Grass on My Side
by AxCfangirl
Summary: They say the grass is always greener on the other side. It's especially true when you are facing your life's problems. But at the end of the day, you can have only what you've got: your grass, whether it's less green or not. Post-GSD AC KL YS DM
1. Brightened Up

**A/N** : This fic will be five chapters long. Each chapter is about a different couple except the final chapter: AthrunCagalli, KiraLacus, YzakShiho, DearkaMiriallia. But I have to warn you that you may not like the YzakShiho chapter if you are into the couple.

I already finished writing all chapters. So don't worry. It's going to be complete. I will update the next chapter next week.

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English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).

 **Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.**

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 **Grass on My Side**

PHASE-01: Brightened Up

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The ballroom was bright. The chandelier looked like it was made of millions of sparkling diamonds. There were other lights placed among flowers and leaves which decorated the wall and the pillars. The well-polished floor reflected the light, adding more brightness to the room. Necklaces, bracelets, earrings, hair clips, and cuff links were shining in the light, too.

Not only the lighting, but also the air of the room was bright, filled with beautiful music, angelic singing voice, and sighs of admiration. Everything in the ballroom was bright.

 _But her hair is the brightest_ , Athrun concluded with confidence. Unlike most people in the room including the woman he was looking at, he wasn't watching the Chairwoman of PLANT performing on the stage. His eyes and attention were fixed on Cagalli whose back of the head faced him. He admired her golden hair which was usually falling freely over her shoulders but now tied up in an elegant bun.

It was hard for him to decide which way her hair looked better, or which way he liked it better. While he loved her usual hairstyle because it seemed to represent her free spirit and reminded him of the first time they had met, he loved the kind of hairstyle she was wearing now which was rare because it brought out a hidden side of her. The only thing he was sure of was that either way, her hair was brighter than anything else.

Under his gaze, she turned her face to her brother standing near her. Now Athrun had a clear view of her shining amber eyes and a fond smile on her face. _No, not her hair,_ he corrected his previous thought. She _is the brightest of all._

Even in the middle of admiring the woman who held his heart, he noticed the song just finished. After all, it was his second nature as a soldier to be always aware of his surroundings. Along with other guests, he turned his eyes to the stage, giving applause to Lacus.

The pink-haired songstress curtsied and looked around the ballroom with a compelling smile. "Thank you for listening. And I would like to thank again all of you for coming tonight, especially Chief Representative Athha and those who came all the way from Orb." She threw a warm smile at the said woman who had given the speech before her and was standing near the bottom of the stage. "Please enjoy the rest of the night."

She curtsied again before descending the stairs from the stage. Her husband took a few steps forward and held out a hand which she happily took. Cagalli approached the couple with a brilliant smile which, in his opinion, lit up the room more than that chandelier did. They exchanged some words, laughing merrily.

As he had expected, his best friend glanced in his direction and gestured toward him. Along with Kira, the two women turned their faces toward him.

His eyes met Cagalli's, and her lips curved into a small, but genuine smile, not the one she had plastered on her face while talking to and dancing with some important people from Orb and PLANT.

Warmth flooded him, as usual, as if he had been warmed up by the fire in her eyes. The fire born out of her strong will, firm determination, and fierce compassion. The fire which made her amber eyes shine like gold.

It was one of the reasons why he loved her eyes so much. If he had to choose one body part of hers he loved most, it would be her eyes. They were not only beautiful, but also honestly showing her emotions and clearly reflecting her personality, who she was. They always reminded him of why and how much he loved her. And every time he looked into those eyes, so deep, so clear, so bright, he felt the urge to pull her close and hold her forever.

Unfortunately, he couldn't give in to the urge right now. He suppressed it—without much difficulty, partly because of his training as a soldier and partly because he had done it so many times—and reciprocated her smile.

She took her eyes off him as Kira said something to her. He also moved his eyes to the couple walking in his direction along with her. Their arms were around each other's waist, and he felt a twinge of envy over their closeness, which Cagalli and he couldn't afford to show in public.

When they were in the presence of people who weren't aware of their relationship, they had to be very attentive to how they acted around each other, which was frustrating to say the least.

Some of the people who knew about their relationship had asked him if he didn't want an easier relationship. A relationship he didn't have to hide. Actually, Cagalli herself had asked it, too. But she was the only woman he wanted. Yes, it was hard to be with her. He couldn't deny that he sometimes felt annoyed or upset about their secrecy. However, she was worth it.

And he couldn't imagine himself with someone else. Well, maybe except for Lacus. But it was only because they had been engaged and he had imagined he would be married to her someday, though to be honest, it had been nothing more than a fantasy to him. Something beautiful, but surreal. A kind of dream created by someone else and given to him to live. Although he had not protested against the engagement, he had not wanted it, either. He had liked Lacus, but never wanted or chosen her.

With Cagalli, it was a totally different story. She was the first girl, and the only one, he had ever been in love with. He had wanted her, and he had chosen her. She was the only woman he wanted to have a life with. Even if it was a secret life.

Besides, it wasn't like he wanted to have a girlfriend, any girlfriend. What he wanted was _her_. If he couldn't have her, what was the point of having a relationship? To him, considering having a relationship with someone else was meaningless. It was simply a waste of time.

In fact, he had spent more time worrying over the possibility of _her_ having a relationship with someone else than thinking about his. Not only when she had still had a fiancé, but after the man had died as well.

She had never lacked suitors. She thought it was only because of her position and wealth, or her family name. But he knew some of those men were genuinely interested in her, not what she had, though he had no plan of telling her that. Since he couldn't keep them away from her by himself, he would like her to do it due to her suspicion about their motive.

It wasn't like he doubted her love or loyalty. He just didn't want to take any risks when it came to her. And he didn't like other men being too friendly to her. _W_ _ell, w_ _ho does?_ he thought sullenly as he saw a man speak to Cagalli with a confident smile standing too close to her to his liking. A part of him was itching to walk up to them and pull the man away from her, but it would cause more trouble than it was worth. Besides, she could perfectly take care of herself. With a sense of satisfaction, he watched her dismiss the man politely but indifferently.

Threading their way through guests and tables, and the hall staff busily rearranging tables and chairs to create the dance floor, the three reached the place where he had been standing. The only man among them waved a hand to him. "Hi, Athrun."

"Kira." He nodded in greeting with a smile.

"How are you enjoying yourself?" Glancing at his wife, Kira continued in a teasing tone, "Lacus hoped you wouldn't get too bored, considering you're not interested in music."

He shot an accusing look at the brunet while the blonde and the pinkette laughed lightly. Even though Lacus was aware of it, it still felt rude to him to talk about his lack of interest and appreciation in her singing right in front of her. Not to mention he was a little flustered.

"I've been enjoying myself just fine," he said flatly before turning to the two women and changing the topic to their speeches rather pointedly, which the other three let him do, smiling.

He carefully controlled his facial expression while talking with Cagalli. It was all right to show some affection to her even in public since they were believed to be close friends. Just not too much. Only the same amount as he showed to Kira or Lacus.

It wasn't too difficult for him. He had been polishing his skill for years, and he wasn't the type to express his affection openly in public to begin with. He was sure that when he was looking at Cagalli, he appeared exactly the same as when he was looking at Kira or Lacus, though his friends didn't really agree. But they assured him that no one could tell unless they were close enough to him.

So there should be nothing to worry about, though the thought that his affection was clear to the eyes of his friends somewhat bothered him. He didn't feel entirely comfortable with letting other people know about his feelings. He preferred to keep them to himself, and Cagalli. But he had already given up trying to suppress his feelings for her a long time ago. It seemed like he just couldn't do it.

When he reprimanded her for being too impulsive, Cagalli often insisted that he was just as impulsive referring to the first time he had hugged her or their first kiss. And he couldn't make a good opposing argument for it was true to some extent.

While he wasn't as impulsive as she was— _much less_ —he had been impulsive at those times. He had not thought about his action or its consequence, how she would respond and how it would affect their relationship. He had simply acted on impulse, out of the emotion that had welled up in him.

There seemed to be something about her that stirred his emotions so much that he could do nothing but let them out, whether positive ones or negative ones. Maybe it was the way she expressed her feelings: honestly and fiercely. Maybe it was the way she acted: childish and carefree. Maybe it was the way she made him feel that he was always welcomed to express his feelings to her. Maybe it was the way she made him believe that she would accept him no matter what. Maybe it was just her.

He had more control over his actions now as he had gotten used to strong emotions she awakened in him, which had been new to him and made him bewildered sometimes. He didn't have much problem keeping distance from her, though it didn't mean he didn't want to be close to her or wouldn't try to. He had just learned to do it more subtly.

He casually stepped to the right, partly in order to have a good view of a nearby table which was unoccupied, and partly in order to stand closer to Cagalli.

"Do you want to have a seat?" He tilted his head to the table.

The twins looked at it, considering his suggestion, but the pinkette looked in another direction at the orchestra about to begin playing music for dance.

"Let's dance, shall we? We have had only few dances tonight." Lacus clasped her hands, smiling up at her husband.

"Sure," Kira answered with a tender smile, and added playfully, "as my lady wishes." Lacus giggled.

As the couple started toward the dance floor, the pinkette looked over her shoulder. "Athrun, Cagalli, are you coming, too?"

He regarded the amber-eyed blonde questioningly.

She shrugged before flashing a smile. "Why not."

Then, she held out her hand to him, palm up. He took it, chuckling. "You know, I should be the one holding out a hand to you."

"I'm not a conservative woman," she said rather boastfully. "And as far as I know, there is no rule I _can't_ do it."

"You mean, you would follow the rule if there was one?"

"No way." She threw him a radiant smile, pulling him toward the dance floor.

"That's what I thought." He smiled fondly.

As he put one hand on her back and took her hand in another, he asked with a grin, "Do you want to lead as well?"

Her eyebrows shot up. "Are you going to let me even if I do?"

"I might...if you are sure you won't confuse the steps," he said teasingly.

She scowled. "Like _you_ won't."

"I think I can handle it better than you."

Knowing it was true, she gave him a glare and his shoulder a tight squeeze which, to her dismay, didn't cause much damage. He only chuckled.

"Jerk," she muttered, looking away from him.

Behind an amused smile, he was secretly relieved. He wasn't sure if he wanted to let her lead if she had insisted. Well...maybe he would when they were alone if, and only if, she _really_ wanted to do it. But not here. Not in front of so many people, including his friends who surely would make fun of him.

Still, he had not been able to resist the temptation to tease her. It was simply too much fun. This was another side of him she brought out. Kira had commented that the way Athrun acted around Cagalli reminded him of the time when they had been children. Athrun might have been offended if it had come from someone else or if it had not involved her. But he had not really minded it. He just would say her childishness was infectious, though she might have a different opinion on it.

Although he liked to tease her for her childishness, however, he knew she was maturer than he was in some ways. It was she, after all, that had taught him to forgive and accept.

He wasn't sure if he would have been able to forgive Kira, and himself, during the First Bloody Valentine War if she had not been there. Both for killing his friend. As much as he had blamed Kira for killing Nicol, he had blamed himself for killing Kira. He might have fallen into a pit of endless self-blaming and self-loathing, which might be going to result in his death eventually. But she had been there to give a helping hand, though she probably had not been aware of it.

Even though she had been upset about Kira's death—presumed death—and blamed him for killing her friend, she had forgiven him, even to the extent of wishing him divine protection. He still didn't know how she had been able to do such a thing when they had hardly known each other. When he, and Kira, had not been able to do it even though they had been long-time friends and much closer, and had tried to kill each other as revenge.

It was probably just who she was. A forgiving person always trying to understand other people, and accept them.

It was through her acceptance of him that he had learned to accept himself, and others. He tended to expect the worst and dwell on negative thoughts. She often reprimanded him for thinking "just like a hamster running on a wheel." Someone else might make it sound like an accusation, and offend him or make him blame himself for being like that. But her way of thinking, and speaking, was too comical and too loving, too lovable. The first time she had said it, he had not even thought about the possibilities of being offended or blaming himself until much later.

When she pointed out his faults, she didn't blame him for having them. She simply accepted them as part of who he was. And when he blamed himself, she led him to accept his faults and mistakes and look at the bright side or think about the future instead of fretting about the past. She made him look at himself, both the good side and the bad side, and accept them.

He was sure she had made him a better person. Maturer, and freer. She had made him who he was now. He would always be grateful to her—

"You are doing it again."

Snapping out of his thoughts, he focused on the woman he was holding in his arm, who looked half-curious, half-annoyed.

He smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. I was just..."

"Thinking," Cagalli finished for him.

"Yeah..." He averted his embarrassed eyes.

"What were you thinking about?" Her tone was light, but he could sense a hint of concern.

"Nothing serious. Really." He smiled at her reassuringly, gazing into her eyes with sincerity. She looked at him intensely before her face relaxed into a smile.

"You know, it's rude to ignore a girl you are dancing with," she said jokingly.

"My sincerest apologies, Your Excellency," he replied in an equally humorous tone.

She smiled mischievously. "I won't forgive you until you make it up to me."

He lifted his eyebrows curiously. "What do you want me to do?"

"Buy me lunch after we get back to Orb."

He grinned. "Let me guess. You want a kebab."

"Of course. What else would there be?"

"Well, you may not be aware of it, but there are a lot more kinds of food."

"If you can have the best, you don't need to try the rest," she stated firmly with a little pout.

He chuckled at her childish stubbornness, let alone childish manner. He had been thinking about how mature she was, and she showed how childish she could be. It never ceased to amaze him that such childishness and such maturity could not only exist in one person but fit together perfectly. They intertwined to create such a fascinating personality.

He decided to tease her a little more. "Are you so sure kebabs are the best? How do you know without trying the rest?"

"You just know it when you have the best." She huffed, and then narrowed her eyes. "Are you disagreeing with me?"

He shrugged. "I'm not that reckless."

"What's that supposed to mean?" She glared at him.

He simply gave her a smile before twirling her. Her glare was replaced by a surprised face, then a beaming smile.

He twirled the smiling woman again. Her golden gown swirled around her, reflecting the light and making her look literally radiant. His eyes softened in admiration and contentment. The moment seemed so long, yet too short.

As the last note of the song faded away, he stopped dancing with reluctance. He had not liked dancing before he had met Cagalli. It didn't mean he had disliked it. Dancing had been just something he had to do, not more than that. However, after he had met her, or to be more exact, after he had started to accompany her to formal events as another guest, he had come to like it. During those events, it was usually the only time he could hold her close, keep her all to himself.

He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it gently, which he did only to Cagalli and Lacus. "We better find a table."

She looked at him with warm eyes, and nodded. "I guess so."

As he led her out of the dance floor, he kept his hand on her back. Not intimate enough to arouse suspicion, but enough to satisfy his need to be close to her.

She turned her face to Kira and Lacus before leaving the floor, and he glanced at them too. The other couple seemed to be going to have another dance.

They found an empty table at a somewhat quiet area. It wasn't far from the dance floor, but only a few people were around there, and they were too engrossed in their conversation to pay attention to the pair. It seemed like a good place to rest.

Pulling a chair out for her, Athrun closely watched Cagalli's face. Although she didn't show it, she must be very tired.

They were supposed to have left Orb earlier so that they could take a rest before the ball. However, just a few hours before their planned departure time, a diplomat from the Eurasian Federation had requested for an urgent meeting with the Chief Representative. The meeting had dragged on, and they had arrived at PLANT much later than planned, which allowed them to have barely enough time to dress up for the ball after the arrival. They practically had run from the port to the hotel, where they changed clothes, and then to the George Glenn Hall where they were now, making it just in time.

Even though she had had a short nap on the shuttle, he knew that after hours of socializing and dancing, she was reaching her limit. It was one of the reasons why he had decided against their second dance.

He hoped that after having a rest on a chair and spending time with only him—and close friends of hers—she could regain some energy. Although a few of the guests were already leaving, it was still too early for her to retire. It wouldn't look good if the Chief Representative of Orb left the ball which was supposed to cement ties between Orb and PLANT at the earliest opportunity.

Cagalli had a faraway look on her face, her eyes on the dance floor. As he took his seat, she spoke quietly, "I sometimes envy them." It was nothing more than a whisper. Without his enhanced hearing, he would have missed it.

He followed her eyes to Kira and Lacus holding each other closer than Cagalli and he had. Smiling and laughing, they looked blissfully happy.

He gazed at them for a moment before replying, "I do, too. Sometimes."

She turned her face to him in surprise. "What?"

"I said, I also do once in a while," he quietly repeated.

"You do?" she sounded surprised.

"Is it surprising?"

"Yes—I mean, no—maybe. I just..." She struggled for words before shaking her head. "I was just surprised. I didn't think you'd heard me. And..." She turned her eyes away. "No. It's not surprising...I suppose."

He frowned at her somewhat melancholic face and tone. He said in a low, yet clear and firm voice, "I didn't mean I want something else." _A_ _relationship with someone else_ _._ He avoided saying it out loud though he knew no one was within hearing distance. It was still better to take a precaution.

"I know." She gave him a reassuring smile, though she still looked a little sad.

He stared hard at her, trying to figure out what was bothering her.

She sighed and turned her body to fully face him. "I know it sounds stupid. But...I sometimes wish I could be...different."

He was taken aback. "Cagalli?"

"It's not like I don't like myself. It's just..." She glanced at the people seated at the nearest table, checking if those people really couldn't overhear their conversation.

He figured she was doing it because the reason she wanted to change herself was connected to their relationship.

Then it clicked in his mind.

"Are you feeling guilty?"

Cagalli snapped her head toward him and looked at him with wide eyes. And he knew he had nailed it.

"I..." She broke off and briefly averted her eyes, biting her lip. Then she looked back at him, smiling weakly. "...A little."

He felt like saying there was nothing for her to feel guilty about. But he knew better. He knew it wouldn't help her just to say comforting, but rather meaningless words. It wouldn't have been much different from ignoring her pain and suffering.

He knew why she was feeling like that. And he knew she needed time to get rid of the feeling. _T_ _hey_ needed time.

He contemplated for a while before saying slowly, "To be honest, I also wished that. Before."

"I know." He wasn't surprised at her answer. Although she had never said it, he had sensed that she knew about it.

"But then it wouldn't be you. It wouldn't be the Cagalli I know." _A_ _nd love_ _._ "I wouldn't like it."

Her selflessness, the tendency to put someone else's pain before her own, was one of the things that had attracted him to her. He loved and had always admired it.

However, there had been times he wished she had not been _that_ selfless. Her selfless devotion to her country and her people was one of the major factors that made their relationship difficult. It was the reason why he couldn't have her all to himself.

But that was who she was, the woman he loved. So he had accepted her as she was. It wasn't like he couldn't understand her. He could, and even though it had taken time, he had accepted the irremovable presence of Orb in her life, in their life. After all, he also loved the country. Not as much as she did, but enough. It was his adopted home. It was the country that had taken him in. It was the country she loved and wanted to protect. And he wanted to protect it, too.

But most of all, he wanted to protect her. He wanted to help her carry the burden, easing the weight. He wanted to give her happiness, not suffering. He wanted to be the one who helped her be herself, not the one who forced her to turn herself into something else.

"I'd rather like you...this way," he finished, feeling a little embarrassed. He had never been good at, or used to, expressing his feelings in words.

She gazed at him with slightly moist eyes. "...Thank you," she whispered before shutting her eyes for a few moments.

As she opened her eyes, she put on a wide smile and said in a light voice, trying to change the mood, "I guess I'm just tired. Fatigue makes you feel down."

Honestly, he wanted to say more. He wanted to tell her he was happy now and this life was his choice as much as her choice. There was really no reason for her to feel guilty. He was in Orb with her because he wanted to.

But she already knew it. He knew she did. And he knew that knowing something wasn't always enough. He had to show it and prove it to her so that she could get over the guilt, and he needed time to do it.

He felt a pang of guilt. It was partly his fault that she still felt guilty or unsure regarding their relationship. What he had said and done in the past had left a scar and it had not been completely healed yet. He often wished he could have acted differently, probably in a maturer way. But he couldn't have. He had not been as mature as he had believed, or hoped. However, she still had forgiven and accepted him, which lessened feelings of guilt over his actions. He just hoped he could do the same for her.

Perhaps he would tell her he was happy with her even though he knew she knew it. It might still help her even a little. But it had to wait until they were alone in a safe place, somewhere they didn't have to worry about being overheard.

For now, he went along with her, smiling warmly. "It does. And you must be really tired."

He touched her shoulder comfortingly for a moment. As he took the hand off her, his heart ached. He wanted to comfort her more, hold her tight. He knew she wanted it too. But he couldn't do it here.

So he tried another method.

"Anyway, no need to thank me. If you keep thanking me unnecessarily, I might be offended."

"Really?" She tilted her head, confused.

He offered a smile. "Yes. Then I won't buy you that kebab."

She looked astonished, and then started to laugh.

Usually, she was the one who made him smile or laugh. She even had made him laugh when they had just met. He liked it about her. But he liked it more when he could make her smile or laugh. Seeing her smile and hearing her laugh made him happy, too. They made him sure more than anything that he had made the right decision.

The life he had chosen, the life he shared with her was undeniably tough, but life in itself was tough. To live was to fight, as she once had told him. Probably the biggest fight ever. If you had to fight anyway, why not fight for something worth it? What was the point of fighting to live if you didn't fight for what you wanted?

And he needed her to keep fighting. She was the fire that eased his shivering and pain in the cold. She was the remedy that healed his wounds. She was the light that guided him in the darkness. She was the anchor that held him to this universe. She was the hope that encouraged him to walk forward, keep walking. She was the reason why he was here.

He had no reason to give her up, to give up the fight. And he had no regrets about his choice.

She wiped the corner of her eye, smiling. "Well, I'll keep it in mind. I certainly don't want to lose my free kebab."

"Good." He smiled back, relieved that she looked like she was feeling better. "Hey, do you want something to drink?"

She shook her head. "No, I'm fine." Then she grinned. "Maybe later. I'll let you know when I want to push you around."

He gave a short laugh, relaxing. Smiling and laughing with her felt so good. This was definitely worth fighting for.

* * *

Cagalli slightly shifted, sinking further into her chair while still maintaining good posture.

Seated and looking at the dance floor, Athrun and she had been staying in a comfortable silence. He was a man of few words—when he wasn't reprimanding someone for something, anyway. She was rather talkative and usually the one who started their conversation and kept it going. Even though she liked to chat, however, there were times she became tired of talking and just wanted to keep her mouth shut for a while, especially after she had to talk so much with so many people, like tonight.

It wasn't that she wanted to be alone. She didn't like being alone. She wanted to be with someone, saying nothing yet still feeling comfortable. Athrun was a perfect fit. Not to mention her favorite.

His quiet presence made her relax, and she let out a sigh. She had not realized how tired she was until now.

Athrun turned his face to her, softening his eyes. He didn't pull her to him and stroke her back or arms like he would have if they had been alone, or touch her shoulder like he had a few minutes ago. But looking into his understanding and caring eyes was enough to make her feel content. She felt like he was shielding her from the outside world by simply being there. She could take a little break from being the Chief Representative of Orb. Not completely, with those eyes surrounding them, but it was good enough. Feeling refreshed as if she had breathed the cool, fresh air, she gave him a thankful smile.

He smiled back, and they went back to silently enjoying the familiar company of each other.

Unfortunately, the peace didn't last long. A girl looking several years younger than they were, who Cagalli thought was somehow related to a councilwoman of the PLANT Supreme Council though she wasn't sure, walked up to them, gave a polite smile to Cagalli, a flirting smile to Athrun, and asked him to dance.

"Well..." Athrun tried to find a good reason to decline the invitation, but there was none. Not if he didn't want to be impolite. Turning down a lady's offer to dance was not what a gentleman would do, and he had been raised to be one.

He glanced at Cagalli, who shrugged. "Go ahead. I'm fine being alone. I believe it's quite safe here."

It was not like she had no claim on him, no right to keep him all to herself. In fact, she was the only person who did. But there was no way she could publicly parade her right. Not yet, at least. And she couldn't chase the girl away without making her, and bystanders, suspicious, could she? As they had not been talking before the girl had shown up, the excuse that they had something important to talk about wouldn't work.

Athrun suppressed a sigh and stood up to hold out his hand to the girl with a polite smile. Shooting a wistful glance at Cagalli, he escorted the girl to the dance floor.

As if he had been waiting for Athrun to leave, which he might have, a man of her age, whom she recognized as the second son of the CEO of an Orb's trading company, approached her table to ask her to dance. She smiled at him, but declined his invitation.

It wasn't a secret that she wasn't fond of dancing. She usually turned down offers to dance, using excuses like being tired or being unfamiliar with the song, unless asked by someone too important or a close friend like Kira and Athrun.

She frequently felt glad that only a handful of people were aware of the true nature of the relationship between Kira and her. The rest of the world saw them as close friends, which was a good cover. Since she often hugged Kira in public or danced with him, she didn't have to avoid doing the same with Athrun. She would just say both of them were dear friends to her if someone asked.

Well, unlike Kira who was married to Lacus and had been always open about their relationship even before the engagement, Athrun had not been in any relationship as far as the public knew. Although there had been rumors about him and various women, none had been confirmed. And it had made many people suspicious that there was something between him and Cagalli who also appeared to have no specific love interest.

But it was only a rumor, a speculation. There was no evidence. It was only one of the gossips the media or gossipy people dished up one after another.

Some people even had commented they didn't believe it because she looked more intimate with Kira than Athrun, much to the amusement of both Kira and her. It wasn't like they did it intentionally. It was just that they both had a tendency to be affectionate to people close to them. She had been glad about it and relieved.

She couldn't help a smile, remembering Athrun's reaction to those comments. He had been relieved as well. But at the same time, he had looked like he really wanted to say something but didn't know what to say.

The song ended. And another, older man, who she assumed was a once-celebrated scholar of some scientific area from PLANT, approached her. She put on a smile, politely declining his offer to dance. He sighed dramatically, so she apologized though she didn't feel sorry at all.

Unlike Athrun who cared about being a gentleman, she didn't care much about acting like a lady. She didn't hesitate to speak her mind; she didn't hide her dislike of dressing up and dancing. Although she knew some people called her "a manlike woman" behind her back, she wasn't really bothered by it. Well, she wasn't happy about it and wouldn't mind punching them if she ever had a chance.

But it wasn't like she wanted to be recognized as a woman by those men who asked her to dance, or any man for that matter. Except one.

And the only exception saw her as a woman no matter how she was acting or what she was wearing. He didn't mind her being "unladylike." He said he liked her just the way she was and wanted her to be herself. And he meant it.

Plus, saying she was tired wasn't only making up an excuse tonight. She was actually pretty tired and wanted to rest for some time.

She had already talked to the people she needed to, and there wasn't much need for her to socialize more, though it was preferable. Then again, she wasn't the type to do something simply because it was preferable, especially when she had a perfect excuse not to. Her job tonight was to attend the ball, stay here until most guests left, and look like she was having a good time. She had been doing it just fine.

Realizing Athrun wasn't coming back yet even though the next song was about to begin, she observed the dance floor to find him talking to a different girl, actually a woman a little older than he was, who Cagalli knew was a PLANT celebrity though she didn't know much about the woman except her face and name.

 _H_ _e i_ _s just hopeless with girls_ _._ Cagalli huffed, half-annoyed, half-amused, watching Athrun and the woman begin dancing. The woman must have walked up to him when the previous song had ended and volunteered to be his new dance partner. It was actually a very usual occurrence. It normally took him four or five songs until he finally found a way— _or courage_ —to avoid any more unwanted dancing.

Wandering through the dance floor, her eyes fell on her brother and his wife. Lacus affectionately tucked his hair behind his ear, and Kira pecked her cheek with a smile.

Cagalli unconsciously touched the back of her right hand Athrun had kissed a while ago. Dancing with him and being kissed by him in public made her a little uncomfortable. It wasn't like she didn't like it. Probably she liked it too much. It gave her a feeling of...yearning. A yearning to touch him and be touched by him more, to hold each other. Something they couldn't do. Not here. Not in public.

She couldn't help but glance at Athrun dancing with someone else, and suppressed a sigh.

Not because she didn't like his dancing with other women. Well, a part of her was irritated, but another part of her found it entertaining to watch him perplexed by forward women. Since she couldn't often see him bewildered and nervous in a non-serious situation, she enjoyed it, though she preferred it if she was the one who made him like that.

However, when PLANT upper-class people were part of the guests, it was a little different. Not only was he more often asked to dance or spoken to by women, but also the intention of those women from PLANT wasn't exactly the same as that of those from other countries.

She knew some of them approached him in hope of luring him back to PLANT eventually, whether they were encouraged by other people or did it voluntarily.

There were many people in PLANT who wanted him back because of his family name or excellent abilities. Or just because they didn't like the idea of a Coordinator living on Earth, let alone immigrating there from PLANT.

There were also as many people who didn't like him because of his deeds or his father's deeds. Both of the groups made her worry about him, though in different ways, and she felt slightly nervous at an event like this.

She was more concerned about the latter group since they were more likely to upset him, and she didn't like it the least bit. But because of her duties as the Chief Representative of Orb and the secrecy of their relationship, she couldn't do much to protect him.

Not that he needed her protection. She knew he could take care of himself. He might become dejected, but she could comfort him and cheer him up later and he would be fine. However, knowing it didn't make her less want to protect him. No one wanted to see their loved ones suffer. Her protective nature and strong feelings for him made it difficult for her to just stand by and watch him verbally attacked by those people no matter how subtle it was.

Therefore, she preferred his mingling with people friendly to him, even if they were too friendly. Even if they made her feel somewhat insecure.

Her insecurity came partly from her feelings of guilt about keeping him away from PLANT, his home country. Because of her strong love and devotion to her own home country, she wasn't completely sure if he was really fine with it.

She also felt guilty about the secrecy he had to endure in the relationship with her. Sometimes she couldn't help but wonder if Athrun wasn't better off with someone else. Someone he didn't have to hide having a relationship with.

But when she had directly asked him that, he had shrugged it off and then asked her back if that was what _she_ wanted. If she wanted to break up with him and be with someone she could be openly together with.

She had been taken aback and needed some time before shouting "No!" She could clearly remember his face while he had been waiting for her answer. Those desperate eyes. He had been worried—no, scared that she might say yes.

Since then, she had never said it again. Even though she sometimes felt unsure, and he sensed it and they talked about it, she had never suggested he should be with someone else. She knew it would hurt him, which was the last thing she wanted.

And she hoped that she would eventually be able to change the situation, at least the one concerning the secrecy. That someday they could become open about their relationship. Someday the world wouldn't make as much fuss over a romantic relationship between a Natural and a Coordinator.

However, there were times she felt doubt creep into her mind. _W_ _ill the day really come_ _?_ Not that she doubted the day would come when a Natural-Coordinator couple was accepted as much as a Natural couple or a Coordinator couple. It might take a long time, but she was confident the day eventually would. What she wasn't so sure about was if it would be in time for Athrun and her. If the day would come when they could be openly together.

Of course, there was always an option to resign from their positions and go somewhere they could have a quiet life, undisturbed by the media and politics. She knew it. But she also knew she couldn't take the option.

She couldn't abandon her duty, her country, and her father's legacy. She wasn't of Athha blood, but she was an Athha nonetheless. She was her father's daughter, the daughter of the Lion of Orb. She was the Lioness of Orb. The devotion to her country and her people and the determination to carry the name of her family, live up to the name, and uphold the principles of her father and of Orb were deeply rooted inside her. No matter how heavy the burden was, she couldn't just throw it away. It wasn't the kind of person she was.

And it wasn't the kind of person he was, either. He was the kind of person who would stand up and fight for the greater good rather than escape for his own safety. That was probably why he could understand her. He understood she couldn't abandon Orb. He understood Orb was a big part of her, of who she was, and she couldn't cut it off without turning herself into a different person. He understood her probably more than anyone else.

She knew he wasn't totally fine with her position and duty. At least, he had not been. He had had a problem with the fact that her first priority was Orb. That she couldn't choose him over it.

She had been afraid she might lose him forever when she had decided to stay in Orb instead of staying with him in the end of the Second Bloody Valentine War. When she had taken off his ring. She had not been able to keep wearing it, not just because of her duty, but mostly because she had known that he had been hoping she would choose him over Orb when he had given it to her. She had not been able to do it, and therefore she had not been able to wear the ring anymore. It had felt like a betrayal to him, as much as to marry someone else, to keep wearing it despite knowing fully well that she couldn't fulfill his hope. If she had not been able to give him what he wanted, she had had to set him free so that he could find it somewhere else, find his happiness.

She had still had some hope that he might be going to forgive her for not being able to choose him over Orb. That he might be coming back to her. But she had not been really sure and avoided talking to him for she had not been able to muster up enough courage to find out his decision. It was one of the few times she had acted like a coward, which she hated to do. But she couldn't have helped it. Athrun meant too much to her.

She had been aware that he could have what he wanted if he chose someone else, like the strawberry-haired girl who had stayed with him even if it meant she would fight against her family and her country. There were many girls, not only the red-head, who were willing to choose him over anything. Cagalli couldn't have blamed him if he had chosen another girl like them.

She had known he loved her. She had never doubted that. But loving someone wasn't always enough to stay with the person, right? There were some things you couldn't do even for someone you loved and no matter how much you loved them. Like she couldn't abandon Orb for him no matter how much she loved him. It had been possible that he couldn't stay with her even though he loved her.

But he had returned to her, to Orb, to stay with her. He had understood her, accepted her, and chosen to support her. She would be eternally grateful for it. It was Haumea's blessing that she had him at her side to share her burden and her life with. She couldn't thank the goddess enough. And Athrun, of course.

However, it didn't mean she was sure she was the best person for him. She sometimes wondered if she really could give him happiness he deserved. But she would always remember those scared eyes of his, and remind herself that as much as she was afraid of his leaving her, he was of her leaving him. That as much as she wanted him, he wanted her. She would remind herself to believe him. If he said being with her was what he wanted most and it was enough for him to be happy, then it was true. He wouldn't lie to her. She knew it. She trusted him.

And she trusted other people, too. She trusted that people would learn from past mistakes. That after the two great wars, they sincerely longed for peace, peace between Naturals and Coordinators. She knew there were still some people who wished for extermination of the other race, and even worked for it. As a leader of a country, she couldn't possibly forget it. Especially when she received so many assassination threats because she was one of the foremost advocates for peace between two races and her country was one of the most successful examples. She knew there would always be people like that.

But she hoped from the bottom of her heart that the majority would have been tired of fighting and hating, and learned to accept each other. And it seemed like it was going to come true. Slowly, but steadily. Step by step.

She often felt it was too slow. She was an impatient person. It might be one of the factors that caused doubts in her mind. But she was also a hopeful person by nature. Even though her hope was sometimes clouded by doubts, she had not lost it. She had kept her hope for the future. The future of this world, of Orb, and of Athrun and her.

She had been hoping that tomorrow would be better than today. That the future would be brighter than the past, and the present.

Besides, it wasn't like she was planning to stay in the current position for the rest of her life, anyway. Although most people of Orb preferred an Athha as their chief representative to someone from other noble families, some people had pointed out it wasn't really good for Orb if the Athhas occupied the position exclusively. She agreed with them. Orb needed a breath of fresh air from time to time. Orb, or the position of the leader of Orb, didn't belong to the Athha family. It shouldn't be that way. It could be very dangerous.

When the right time came, she was going to step down. It didn't mean she would completely retire from politics. She would still be the head of the Athha family—one of the five noblest families, not to mention the most influential one—and have a position in the government, let alone duty to the country and the people.

But she hoped that when she became only one of the Representatives, not the Chief Representative, it would be easier for Athrun and her to reveal their relationship; people would be more tolerant of Natural-Coordinator couples by then.

Of course it was only a hope. Nothing was guaranteed.

Despite the fact some of the current members of Orb's noble families were Coordinators, there were still people who didn't like the idea of having Coordinators as part of the government or noble families, especially the Athha family. There would also be arguments over Athrun's father, his past as a PLANT citizen or a ZAFT soldier, and possibly his history of defections.

But he was now accepted as an important part of the Orb's military. She hoped it would help their relationship become accepted as well. Even though it wasn't as many, there were also people who preferred to have more Coordinators in noble families or the government. And people who didn't care about genetics as long as they were doing a good job.

She hoped they could be openly together someday even if it took years or even decades. Despite doubts, she believed most of the time that it would be possible. She was rather an optimistic person. _O_ _verthinking and negative thinking are his specialty, not mine_ _,_ she told herself with a small smile.

She believed being optimistic was important to create the brighter future. She had to have faith in tomorrow, in people, and in herself.

As much as she was bent on serving Orb and its people with all her might, she was determined to be happy, and to make Athrun happy. When she had realized that her father had always wanted her to be happy, listening to his last words during the Second Bloody Valentine War, she had vowed to herself and her father that she would never give up fighting for her own happiness as well as for Orb. _N_ _ever again_ _._ She would protect Orb and have a happy life, just as her father had hoped. And making Athrun happy was essential to her happiness. Brooding wouldn't help her achieve any of them.

Shaking her head a little and breathing deep, she looked at Athrun, who was dancing with a yet another woman, again. He glanced at her at the same time. Their eyes locked, and he flashed her a faint smile. She couldn't resist smiling back, and nonchalantly clasped her hands in front of her face to hide the smile just in case someone was watching her.

She felt her hope and determination grow stronger. Seeing Athrun smile always helped her believe in the future. She knew that he would keep fighting along with her for a better future. That she wouldn't be alone in the fight. He made her believe that together, they could achieve the goal, their dream. That she could protect his smile, his happiness, him. That she could make him happy, and be happy with him.

He was her source of strength.

Noticing someone approaching her out of the corner of her eye, she turned her head to find her twin.

She arched her eyebrows questioningly. "Why are you here? The song hasn't finished yet."

"It will, soon." As he said it, the song reached its end.

She looked around. "Where is Lacus?"

"On a rescue mission."

"Huh?" She blinked.

Kira tilted his head toward the dance floor, and her eyes moved in the direction, back to Athrun.

Athrun and his dance partner were standing on the floor, still in the dance position. It was obvious the woman wanted to have another dance with her reluctant partner. To her dismay, another woman showed up next to them and talked to them with an endearing smile.

The scene was exactly like the one several minutes ago, and the one before that, when Athrun's current dance partner had taken place of her predecessor who unwillingly had given him up. Except that the new woman this time wasn't just another woman, but the Chairwoman herself.

Stepping back from his dance partner, Athrun smiled at his pink-haired friend, obviously relieved. _T_ _oo obviously_ _,_ Cagalli criticized. Enough to offend the woman he had just danced with and make her complain.

But it wouldn't happen, of course. Not with Lacus there to help him. She took the woman's place and held his hand, all the while smiling and chatting with both of them, using her charm lavishly to make the woman willingly bend to her will. The woman left the dance floor, casting wistful glances at her stolen dance partner, but didn't appear to have negative feelings toward either the blunet or the pinkette. _T_ _ypical Lacus_ _._

"You know, you can do that too." Cagalli was a little startled by Kira's voice as she had not been paying attention to him. "It's fine if you and Athrun dance more than once. Everyone knows you're close, and he's one of the few people you willingly dance with."

She shrugged. "If he doesn't want to dance with one girl after another, he should learn how to avoid it on his own. He's not a little kid. I won't spoil him." She added with a smirk, "Besides, I kind of like seeing him squirm."

He sighed rather exaggeratedly before shaking his head with a smile. "You're so cruel."

"You're too soft on him," she retorted. "If you are so sure he needs help, why don't you teach him some tricks?" While Kira was generally gentler and had less experience with formal dance than Athrun, somehow he was better at avoiding dancing with unwanted partners.

A half-amused smile appeared on Kira's face. "I tried. But it seems like he just can't do it."

"Why am I not surprised?" She chuckled.

He asked gently, "Are you feeling better now?"

She looked up at the warm amethyst eyes and gave an equally warm smile. "Yes. I'm having a good rest."

"Then, care to dance with me?" He held out a hand.

"Sure. As long as you won't stamp my feet," she said teasingly as she took his hand and stood up.

"I won't...not anymore," he mumbled, his face flushed. "Though I still can't say I'm good at dancing. Actually, I know I'm a lousy dancer." He smiled sheepishly.

She patted his cheek affectionately. "Don't worry. Anyone looks like a lousy dancer next to them," she said, motioning toward Athrun and Lacus. "Though I have to say we must be the lousiest couple on the floor."

They shared a hearty laugh, getting into the dance position.

They weren't actually that lousy. However, it was true they didn't look good, compared to the blunet and the pinkette dancing ever so gracefully. But neither twin really cared. After all, it was fun to dance with someone you knew well and enjoyed being with. Even Cagalli, who didn't like dancing, had to admit it.

The twins started to move along with music, smiling at each other, and at their lovers who noticed their joining the floor and smiled back.

* * *

 **A/N** : Athrun's part is kinda fluffy. I couldn't help it. I'm a downright AC fan. And it's official Athrun is smitten anyway, right? Just watch the series!

But it also serves the purpose. It makes it easier to understand why Athrun chose this life. And the more they love each other, the sadder and the more frustrating it is they have to hide their relationship, right?

This chapter is lighter, though not the lightest, because I believe they already came to terms with their problem in GSD. This is about them after that.

The next chapter will be about Kira and Lacus and heavier.

* * *

 ***posted 04/04/16***

 ***edited 05/14/16***


	2. Deep Down

English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).

 **Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.**

* * *

 **Grass on My Side**

PHASE-02: Deep Down

* * *

Kira had been wondering, _W_ _hat makes you a good dancer_ _?_ It was after he had come to PLANT with Lacus that he had learned how to dance properly. Although he had had some experience dancing in parties hosted by his schools or schoolmates, dancing in formal events was different. In those parties, all you had to do was move your body as you liked. The purpose was to have fun. Even if your dancing was weird, you could just laugh it off with your friends.

But in formal events, where you danced with very important people who might hate you, laughing off your mistakes wasn't always an option. You had to know proper techniques, and that wasn't all. That wasn't the hardest part. You also had to be flexible and creative, adjusting to your current partner. Then, you could be a good dancer. That was what he had been told. _B_ _ut exactly how can I do it_ _?_ was the question he had not yet received a satisfying answer for.

Athrun said, "You just need to practice hard. It's not really different from playing sports or piloting mobile suits. Practice makes perfect."

Cagalli said, "All you need is confidence. Don't worry too much about how you look. Screw those who laugh at your dance skill. Just ignore them. Or kick their asses. Scratch that. Stamp their feet pretending you just tripped."

Lacus said, "Probably you need to relax more. Try to enjoy dancing. It is the most important thing. If you enjoy doing it, you will be good at it."

He had taken all those advices, and they had worked to some extent. His dance skill had improved. But he still couldn't say he was a good dancer. It seemed like he simply didn't have what it took to be one.

Even Cagalli, who declared to dislike dancing, could dance better than he did. The first time he had seen her dance, he had been surprised. He had never expected her to dance well. In fact, he had expected her to be as bad as he was, considering her dislike of dancing. He had felt a little cheated and asked her about it. She had replied, with a scowl, that she had had to take dance lessons since childhood.

So was it like Athrun said? The only difference between Kira and his sister was how much time they had spent dancing? If he kept practicing, would he be at least as good a dancer as she was?

But he didn't really believe it. Although he had been practicing for years, his dance skill didn't seem to improve any further.

Just now, he stumbled a little because he confused the steps while avoiding a couple who passed them spinning around. He nearly stepped on Cagalli's gown.

She giggled. He heaved a dramatic sigh, saying humorously, "How I envy your dance skill." He expected a playful reply, but she unexpectedly fell silent.

"Cagalli?"

She looked past his shoulder for a bit, as if searching for words. "It's funny you said that." He leaned his head toward her, trying to read her expression. Not really sad, but rather wistful. "While I was watching you dancing...I was thinking how I envy you sometimes. You and Lacus."

He stared at her with mild surprise, and she hastily continued, "It's just you look so...perfect. I mean, everyone has to admit you are a perfect match. You are the dream couple. Something everyone wants to be. Everyone wants to have a relationship like yours. ...No one can say you aren't good for each other."

He was speechless. Not exactly because of what she had said. He could understand why she was feeling like that and normally would have comforted her. But he was distracted by what her words had brought to his mind, what had been troubling him for months.

She sighed before looking at him apologetically. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Sorry." She shook her head. "I'm in a strange mood today. Maybe I'm more tired than I thought."

After a few seconds of silence, he softly said, "No one or no relationship's perfect. Everyone has some problem." He slightly hesitated, feeling a little bad since she was clearly bothered by her own problem. But it seemed like a good opportunity and he couldn't wait for another chance. Not when it was about Lacus. Plus, Cagalli didn't appear to be really upset right now.

So he continued after apologizing to his sister inwardly, "Me and Lacus may look perfect, but it doesn't mean we don't have any. We..." He trailed off as his eyes that had been wandering fell on a platinum-haired man.

Cagalli followed his gaze and looked back at him, confused. "Yzak? What does he have to do with your and Lacus's relationship?" She added jokingly, "Wait. Don't tell me she fell in love with him?"

Knowing she was trying to lighten the mood, he forced a small smile but didn't reply.

She frowned. "Kira?"

"I...I think you should talk to Lacus. ...No. Actually, I _want_ you to talk to her."

Her frown deepened and her eyes looked into his questioningly. He averted his eyes. He didn't know what more to say.

He had noticed Lacus was stealing glances at Shiho, Yzak's wife, a pregnant woman. He knew what Lacus had been thinking about, why she had been watching the brunette. Seeing her wistful eyes had made him feel sad and guilty.

He knew he had been making Lacus suffer. He had been refusing to give her what she wanted so much. He didn't want to. He wished from the bottom of his heart that he could change his mind about it. He truly wanted to make her happy.

However, no matter how much he had tried, he had not been able to. He couldn't get over his anger, his hatred...and his fear. He couldn't let go of the past. He couldn't forget how he had been created. He couldn't forgive those who had created him, especially his biological father.

He kept silence until the song ended, and then led Cagalli out of the dance floor and turned to her.

"Will you tell Lacus and Athrun I'm going to get fresh air?" He kept his tone as normal as he could, though he knew she wasn't buying it at all.

"Kira..."

Confusion and worry were evident on her face, but he ignored them. "Please."

After observing him for a minute, his twin nodded silently. He gave her a soft, thankful smile before turning around. Walking to the nearest balcony, he felt her eyes on his back, but didn't look back.

* * *

Holding Athrun's arm, Lacus walked up to her amber-eyed friend standing alone and looking through the crowd with a concerned face.

"Cagalli." The blonde started at the sound of Lacus's voice, and jerked her face toward them.

"Ah... Hey."

Athrun frowned. "Cagalli? Are you all right?"

Cagalli looked from him to her, then back to him, and shrugged. "Yeah. I was just...thinking about something."

He didn't look convinced, but didn't pursue the matter further.

She glanced around and tilted her head. "Is Kira not with you?"

Cagalli hesitated before answering. "He went to get some fresh air."

She exchanged glances with Athrun, but neither asked any more questions. If Cagalli didn't want to talk about it right now or here, it was better to wait.

The three went to find an unoccupied table, and the two women seated themselves. After Athrun left to get drinks for them, Cagalli looked around as if making sure no one was overhearing them.

Then Cagalli asked, "Lacus? Um...is everything all right between you and Kira?"

She was taken aback by the unforeseen question and stared at the golden-haired woman.

Cagalli blushed a little and explained, "I was talking with Kira during the dance. He said something like you and he, like everyone else, have a problem and...he was looking at Yzak."

She held her breath for a second. She perfectly understood what he had meant, and now knew why he had gone somewhere.

"And he told—asked me to talk to you," Cagalli finished and looked at her expectantly.

She closed her eyes, collecting her thoughts and preparing herself for what she was going to tell Cagalli. It wasn't an easy thing to talk about or what she really wanted to talk about. But she knew she needed to. Not because Cagalli had asked, or Kira had indirectly encouraged her to, but for her own sake.

Opening her eyes, she looked into the concerned amber eyes. "He was talking about our problem over having children."

"Are you trying to make a baby?" Cagalli sounded surprised, but thrilled.

She dropped her gaze to her hands on the table, locking fingers together. "No, we are not. I want to—not right now, but after I resign. However...he does not."

Cagalli enlarged her eyes in disbelief. "But...why? I thought he liked kids? He is good with the kids at the orphanage."

She shook her head a little. "It is not that he does not want to have a child. He does not want to _make_ a child." Cagalli frowned, still not able to understand. "He suggests adopting a child." Lacus let out a sigh. "It is not like I am against it. If we tried and could not make a baby, I would be more than happy to adopt a child.

"However..." She looked at Cagalli pleadingly, at those eyes that painfully reminded her of her husband's: different color, but same shape. Same honest eyes. "I would like to try to make our own baby first."

Cagalli nodded, indicating she understood Lacus's feelings. "But Kira doesn't agree? ...Do you know why?"

She swallowed hard, feeling her throat dry due to emotions this conversation had stirred up in her.

"He never said clearly, but I believe it has something to do with...Dr. Hibiki," she said quietly.

Cagalli looked dumbfounded. "You mean the... _that_ Dr. Hibiki? Kira's and my bio—you know?" The amber-eyed woman avoided saying "biological father," whether because she was afraid someone might overhear it or because she simply didn't want to say it. Lacus couldn't tell. She had never talked about him with Cagalli. And she wasn't eager to find it out anyway.

She only nodded silently. Cagalli looked at her in confusion, but she shook her head. She wasn't in place to explain Kira's feelings, especially when he had never really explained them to her.

She sighed sadly, gazing at the crowd with wistful eyes. "I cannot help but envy other people...like Yzak-san and Shiho-san…"

"Because they can have their own kid?" Cagalli said softly. She simply looked back at her friend and nodded.

Cagalli's eyes were full of worry and compassion, and for a minute, she looked like she was about to stand up and embrace Lacus. But she didn't. Instead, she took Lacus's hand and squeezed it tightly, as if telling her that she would be here for her. Always.

Lacus felt her eyes sting, though she didn't and wasn't going to cry.

She was grateful that Cagalli had not attracted attention to them by openly embracing and comforting her. Attention was the last thing she wanted now. She was truly grateful that she had Cagalli as a friend, a sister. She needed what Cagalli was giving her right now.

She squeezed the blonde's hand back with gratitude and formed a soft, yet genuine smile. Cagalli looked a little relieved.

Taking a deep breath, she glanced around and her keen eyes fell on Athrun coming back with two glasses in his hands.

The sight of the emerald-eyed blunet brought to her mind a question she entertained once in a while: could she have had her own child had she married him as originally planned? She had wondered about it even before she had found out Kira's reluctance to have a biological child, mostly out of curiosity. It wasn't like she wanted to marry him. She knew how much he loved Cagalli; she loved Kira just as much. They had never been more than friends, even when they had still been engaged.

But Athrun was one of her best matches, if not _the_ best, genetically speaking. She had the highest chance of having a child with him, higher than with Kira. And he would have agreed to make a child. It had been the whole point—well, maybe not the whole, since it was also a political match, but a major point—of their engagement, after all. To produce a child, which could be a very hard goal to accomplish for a Coordinator couple due to the low fertility potential of Coordinators.

She knew she wouldn't have faced her current problem had she married Athrun, or anyone who didn't mind having his own child. It didn't mean she regretted having married Kira. She never had and never would. She had never wanted anything more than she wanted him. She simply acknowledged the truth, which felt very heavy when she was despondent. The thought that she could never have her own child—

 _No_ , she instantly stopped her thoughts and corrected herself, _not_ my _child_. It was _their_ child. Kira's child. A child in whom a part of her and a part of him were mixed together. It was what she wanted, and what she couldn't have.

 _I should not confuse them_ , she told herself sternly. She still could have—or at least try to have—her own child if she wanted to. All she needed was a man who was a good genetic match for her and willing to father her child. It might not be easy, but not impossible. And she knew Kira wouldn't oppose it. He might be going to be even more eager than she was, considering his guilt for not giving her a chance to have her own child.

The problem was it wasn't exactly what she wanted. She actually had considered the option, but eventually decided against it. Even though she loved to have her own child, she had found that she didn't really want the father of her child to be anyone but her husband, even if it would be only the biological father and Kira would be the one raising the child with her.

Plus, she might be going to wish the child had been not only of her blood, but also of Kira's while seeing him or her. It wouldn't be good for anyone.

So it was she who had decided not to take the option, and thus had to take responsibility for it. She shouldn't shift the responsibility onto Kira.

She squeezed her eyes shut momentarily, composing herself, while Cagalli also noticed Athrun and turned her eyes to him. The pain of not being able to have their own child had been agitating her mind.

She wouldn't have been this depressed had they tried and failed. She would have been sad, yes, but accepted the reality with less difficulty. It was harder to accept the fact she could never have Kira's and her child when she couldn't even try. She knew he was trying hard, for her sake, to change his opinion on it, but to no avail. She knew he was hurting as much as she was.

And she didn't blame him for not wanting his own child. Although they had never discussed the matter in detail, she thought she understood his sentiments. She didn't agree with him and wouldn't have thought like that had she been him. But she still understood him. She understood him better than anyone, which she was proud of.

It wasn't Kira's fault that his biological father had used his own children for the experiment. It wasn't Kira's fault that he was the only success and the rest of the babies had died. And she couldn't blame him for disliking—perhaps even hating—Dr. Hibiki. He did because he was a compassionate, empathetic person. Because he cared about other people. Because he hated cruelty. Because he hated someone's, anyone's, pain and suffering.

She couldn't possibly blame him for being a gentle soul, being him. He opposed making their child because he was Kira, the boy she had fallen in love with, the man she loved with all her heart.

It was probably part of the reason why this was so hard. If she could blame him, she probably could feel better. She probably could have let it out, at least. But she couldn't, and didn't want to even if she could.

All she could do was bear this almost unbearable pain until it went away.

She suppressed a melancholic sigh as Athrun put one glass in front of Cagalli and another in front of her.

He said to her apologetically, "I forgot to ask you what you'd like, so I got the same one as Cagalli's. But if you'd like something else, I can get it for you."

She smiled reassuringly. "This is perfectly fine with me. Thank you, Athrun."

He nodded with a relieved smile before excusing himself again to get a drink for himself this time.

She eyed two glasses of lemonade curiously and turned her face to the amber-eyed woman. "Are you not drinking wine?" She remembered it was what Cagalli usually picked on formal occasions: not-so-strong white wines.

Cagalli answered, shipping from her glass, "I think I better avoid alcohol as much as possible. I'm rather too tired for it."

She nodded sympathetically, and softly smiled at the thought that Athrun had not asked Cagalli what she wanted, yet still picked the right one. _H_ _e really knows her well_ _._ It was the same between Kira and her.

As she thought of her husband, her eyes wandered through the crowd in search of any sign of him. But he was nowhere in sight.

* * *

Outside in the cool air, Kira felt a little better though his chest was still heavy with guilt. He heaved a sigh and tousled his hair. He couldn't help thinking about what Lacus and Cagalli must be talking about. _W_ _hy can_ _'_ _t I just do it_ _?_ The question he had asked himself million times rang in his mind. _W_ _hy can_ _'_ _t I just get over it_ _?_ He didn't know why, like he didn't know why he couldn't be a good dancer.

 _I_ _just can_ _'_ _t do it_ _._ That was the only answer he had been able to get so far.

He had been able to get over the feeling that maybe he shouldn't have been born, which had tortured him during the First Bloody Valentine War and long after that. His family, friends, and especially Lacus had helped him, which he would be forever grateful for.

However, he still detested those who had created him. Those who had been possessed enough by the desire of creating a superior human being to sacrifice so many lives. So many innocent lives. Including the lives of his siblings.

Thinking that his biological father had been one of them made him feel disgusted to no end. How had he been able to do such a thing? To his own children, for crying out loud?!

He could never understand Dr. Ulen Hibiki. How he had been able to keep going, watching his children die again and again because of his experiment. Not that he wanted to...usually he didn't, at least. If truth be told, however, he had wondered a few times whether the situation would change if he could understand the man even a little bit and then somehow forgive him.

But he disliked the mad scientist too much, and understanding him seemed like nothing but a horrible idea. He didn't even want to admit that he was related to the man in any way, let alone by blood.

Yes, blood. His blood. The man's blood. It was in him. In his body. It was flowing through his body right this second.

As much as he hated to think about the fact, however, it wasn't the reason. Not really. Because he knew that if Cagalli, who had as much blood of the man as he did, ever had a child, he would love his nephew or niece with all his heart. His grudge against the man would never undermine his love for his sister and her children. It didn't matter that they were blood-related to the cold-hearted man.

Partly because Cagalli wasn't like Kira. She was innocent. Her existence wasn't tainted by blood. Her birth had not been haunted by deaths. She wasn't even genetically modified. She had been untouched by the hands of those scientists, of the monster who had fathered them.

She had not been born out of the hideous experiment. Of the ugly side of human nature. Her presence in this universe wasn't the reminder that humans could be so selfish, so blinded by the desire for a great achievement, the desire to accomplish something unprecedented, that they eagerly offered their own children as the price.

A part of him sometimes wondered if he would be like the man when he became a father. Would he sacrifice his children's lives to achieve his own goal? Like his biological father had? Like Athrun's father had?

But it wasn't the reason, either. He was as sure that he wouldn't do it as he was that Athrun wouldn't. He was sure he could be a good father, or at least would try really hard to be one and protect his children.

He was as sure that he could and would love his children as he was about Cagalli's children. As long as they weren't his flesh and blood.

He had no problem with becoming a father, having children, especially with Lacus. He was even eager to do it. However, he couldn't stand the idea of having his own child, a child related to him by blood. He didn't want his blood in his child. He felt like his blood was poisoned by those twisted desires and wrongdoings of the crazy man. How could he ever want such a filthy thing in his child? How could he ever expose an innocent child to such darkness?

But most importantly, he felt like by procreating, he would take part in the man's experiment he deeply despised. Like in a way, he would continue the experiment in the man's stead. Like he would help the egotist leave his mark on the universe permanently, let him have what he had wanted.

He didn't want that. He wanted to have as little to do with the experiment and the man as he could. If possible, he wanted to erase everything involved with them. Of course he couldn't erase himself, and he didn't want to. But he wanted to end their influence, their legacy, with his death once and for all.

He didn't like that something born as the result of the experiment would remain in this universe long after he died. Even if that something was his own child. He might be going to hate his own child for the sole reason.

Hating an innocent child who had done nothing wrong, let alone his own child. _I_ _s there anything more wrong than that?_ He felt ashamed of even considering the possibility. But he couldn't help it.

He often wondered whether he would have been this unwilling to make a child if Cagalli had been just like him. Would he have hated her child as well? He couldn't imagine himself doing it. He didn't think he could ever hate a child of his sister, and probably also of his best friend.

Nevertheless, he somehow could imagine himself hating his own child, a child of his wife, the woman he loved more than anything. He couldn't understand why. If anything, shouldn't it be the other way around? How could he be afraid of hating his own child when he wasn't about his niece or nephew? Why couldn't he be sure of loving his own child when he was so sure about his sister's child?

It didn't make sense at all, but it was exactly how he felt. No matter how incoherent it sounded, it was the honest truth.

Drawing a sigh, he gazed at the night sky with forlorn eyes. The darkness was filled with stars, which reminded him of the time he had been fighting among them. The time he had discovered the ugly truth surrounding his birth.

Maybe it was because, after all, he had not overcome the hatred for himself like he thought he had? Did he still harbor it somewhere deep in his mind? Was that why he was fine with his sister's child but not his own? Because he didn't love himself as much as he did Cagalli?

He didn't know.

The only thing he knew for sure was that he didn't want to—no, he was _scared_ to have a biological child. Because he didn't know whether he could love them. Whether he would be able to not hate them. He couldn't overcome the fear. And his inability to do so had made his wife suffer, robbing her of the chance to have her own child, their child.

He still could pretend and make a child even if only to make her happy for a while, though he really doubted he could deceive her. Or he could gamble on the possibility that he would be proved to have been worrying for nothing. That everything would turn out completely all right.

However, he knew he would make her suffer much more than she did now if his greatest fear came true. And she wouldn't be the only one to suffer. His child, his parents, his sister, his best friend. They all would suffer because of him. He couldn't possibly take such risk.

And thus he couldn't relieve Lacus of her pain. He couldn't even console her since she refused to show it to him, being considerate of his feelings as usual. It had tormented him to watch her suffer and do nothing about it, and he had been considering asking for help from their family.

He felt a little relieved now. He trusted Cagalli to talk to Lacus as he had asked. He knew Lacus could tell her about their problem honestly and his sister could provide Lacus with the comfort she needed badly. He was really grateful to Cagalli. Even if it meant he had to expect her questioning later.

He wasn't exactly prepared for it. He was here mostly so that Lacus could talk to Cagalli without worrying about his feelings. And he needed some time to calm himself. But he was here also in order to avoid talking with Cagalli. He had no idea what to tell her, how to tell her. He didn't think he could explain his feelings to her well.

But then again, it probably didn't matter. She couldn't understand him no matter how well he could explain. No matter how hard she tried. He knew she couldn't. Not because she had not been the object of the experiment, but because she wasn't like him. She simply wasn't the kind of person who thought like that. She couldn't understand why he couldn't get over the past. What had happened so long ago, even before he had been born. What someone else had done, someone he felt no connection with.

However, she would understand he was trying desperately, yet still couldn't do it. And she would respect his decision, like Lacus. She wouldn't try to talk him into making a baby. She would be sad, for him and for Lacus. But she would understand. He knew it. He knew Cagalli would give as much support to him as to Lacus.

He just didn't want to see her sad face. He didn't want to face the fact he saddened not only his wife but also his twin. Not yet. He needed time to prepare himself before going back inside to face the consequence of his decision.

Dropping his shoulders slightly, he shifted his gaze from upward to downward. His eyes softened at the sight of the lights elegantly illuminating the garden. It had been Lacus's idea to put extra garden lights in different colors. They created a beautiful and peaceful sight. _Just like her..._

Seeing the sight felt a little like hearing her singing, which always calmed him down. Actually, not only her singing but her entire presence, firm and serene, always soothed him. She was his pillar, something he could hold onto in the middle of the storm. She was his oasis, a place where he could find comfort and safety.

He felt a pang of longing for her, a longing to hear her voice, see her face, and touch her warm, soft body. But he couldn't move as if his feet were rooted there.

He closed his eyes, and let out a long, deep breath.

* * *

"Here you go."

Lacus looked from the golden-haired woman she had been talking with to a plate with a small cake Athrun had just put in front of her. She blinked in surprise, and then thanked him. "My, it looks very delicious. I love berries."

"Hey, why didn't you get me one, too?" Cagalli pouted.

Athrun quirked an eyebrow, putting a glass of sparkling water with lemon in front of his chair. "Because I got it for Lacus as a sign of gratitude for saving me. You, on the other hand, cruelly left me in those women's hands."

Cagalli humphed. "I didn't know you were _that_ helpless and desperate against unarmed, untrained girls."

"Well...it's not like I can throw them in the air and pin them down on the floor." His lips curved upward amusedly and somewhat fondly. "They are not like you."

Cagalli scowled, but the amused glint in her eyes was noticeable. "Are you saying you care about them more than me?"

"Of course not. Where did you get such an idea?" He innocently tilted his head.

"I thought you just said so yourself."

"I'm pretty sure it's only your imagination, Princess."

"Don't call me that!" Cagalli mock-glared at him.

Savoring the sweet cake and smiling at the couple's childish exchange, Lacus felt good, better than she had felt in months. It wasn't only because of confiding her problem to Cagalli. She realized that she also had missed the lighthearted, relaxing air. Something Kira and she had once enjoyed.

It wasn't like they felt uncomfortable with each other now. They still felt at ease with each other, shared playful remarks, and enjoyed each other's company. Every now and then, however, she suddenly felt like crying over their situation, their disagreement. And the worst part was that she couldn't show her sorrow in front of him. She couldn't talk about it to the person she trusted most, the only person she could turn to without hesitation. He probably knew it anyway. She had guessed that he knew she had been suffering, but still, she couldn't allow herself to make him clearly see how much his decision had disturbed her. Like he probably couldn't make her see how much he was distressed by the situation.

Thus, there had been a slight tension between them, both trying to hide their own pain and not to make the other worry. It couldn't be helped, for the time being. She hoped the tension would somewhat lessen now that she had talked with Cagalli. Part of the reason was that she had not been able to talk to not only Kira, but anyone else.

She wasn't good at opening up, revealing her emotions to others. It was her nature to keep walls around her heart and hold emotion in check. Not many people were aware of it. Not many people knew that her smile and cheerfulness were partly her defense mechanism, her mask. That her calmness was sometimes the result of her inability to express feelings.

A few people had suspected that and disliked her because of it. They had called her inhumane; they had accused her of having no feelings. It had hurt her, though she had never shown it to them. As usual. She simply had not been able to do it.

She sometimes mused that it was probably the reason why she had been attracted to Kira in the first place. Because he was so different from her. He had not hesitated much to show his pain to other people, to her whom he had just met. He had expressed his feelings quite honestly.

He had seemed to be somewhat ashamed of it. But she had always known it was his strong point, not his weak point. It took a lot of bravery to expose your pain, your vulnerability. It took a lot of courage to trust other people and let them in. Contrary to what many people thought, including himself, she knew he was braver and stronger than she was. He was courageous enough to take risks, which she hardly could do. Not only about opening up.

She might not have taken steps to end the war had she not met him. Had she not witnessed him making the painful decision of giving up staying in a peaceful place for the sake of the possibility so remote, of the future so uncertain. He had known well enough that he might be going to fight alone if he tried to end the war without taking sides and he might not be able to accomplish anything even if he risked everything he had. Yet he had chosen to take action instead of doing nothing, using the excuse that one person couldn't do much, like she had been doing.

She might be more intelligent than he was, but her intelligence made her hesitant to try something she knew she was highly likely to fail to do, or even something that she wasn't sure would succeed. She had not thought she could really contribute to ending the war before meeting him, and thus been reluctant to involve herself with the war. Actually, she still had not been sure if she could make a difference even after she had made her own decision. But she had been impressed by his decision and willing to follow his example. And she had learned that taking risks actually could change the situation.

It wasn't like she had tried to or wanted to be like him. They were two different people, and she was fine with herself. Besides, she had decided to take an action to end the war partly because she had wanted to help him. And she could help him better by being different from him, by doing something he wasn't good at.

She simply knew they were his strong points and her weak points. Yes, she had weaknesses. She wasn't perfect like many people believed. She couldn't handle everything well as many people expected. And her current situation was one of those she couldn't. She had been hurting and weakening herself by bottling up emotions inside, not able to let them out.

She had known she needed to talk to someone and pour out those emotions. But she couldn't have told even Cagalli, whom she considered as her best friend, about it had the blonde not asked her. Had Kira not asked his sister to talk about it with her.

The fact that he had made Cagalli talk to her proved that he had been aware of her silent suffering. And right now, he must be agonizing over what he had done to her somewhere.

The thought brought her feelings of sadness and guilt. As much as he must feel guilty for causing her to suffer by not agreeing to make a child, she felt guilty for causing him to suffer by not being able to give up having their own child. She wished she could tell him that she was fine with not having or even trying to have their biological child. That she was content with adopting a child.

But she couldn't. Not yet.

Eventually, she could. She knew it with no doubt. She could give up anything if it was the necessary price to be with Kira.

But not now, not so soon. She needed time. When she told him that, she had to really mean it. Otherwise he would know, and suffer more. _T_ _hey_ would suffer more. She had to wait until the time came.

She closed her eyes and exhaled quietly, slicing another bite off the cake with her fork.

She was wondering whether to go find Kira after finishing the cake when someone approached their table. "Chairwoman Clyne." She looked up to find the very woman she had been secretly watching tonight. Shiho saluted to her, then to Cagalli and Athrun, and looked back at her. "I am leaving, and I wanted to greet you before I leave."

From the corner of her eye, she noticed Cagalli was looking at her a little worriedly, and Athrun, not knowing their previous conversation, was looking at the amber-eyed blonde with a puzzled face.

She quickly gave a small, reassuring smile to her best friend, and turned her eyes back to Shiho. While she wished the brunette a safe trip home and a good night with a serene smile, she tried to restrain herself from glancing at the bulge in Shiho's midsection, which she knew made Cagalli more worried. However, she wasn't entirely successful. She simply couldn't help it. She wasn't really obvious and probably could hide it from Shiho, but she knew her friends noticed it.

And she concluded it was all right. It was all right for her not to be able to be perfect. It was all right for her to show others that she wasn't all right.

As much as her tendency to hide true feelings was natural, it was also a learned habit. She had once been afraid of opening up for fear of rejection, but now she didn't feel as much need to guard her heart as before.

Kira had given her the courage to let others in as well as the courage to take risks. He always gave her courage. He had accepted her as a whole, every side of her including the ones many people didn't want to see, no matter how different those sides were from each other. He had shown her that there were people who could and would accept her as she was. And she knew he wasn't the only one. She knew it was time for her to accustom herself to letting other people besides Kira in her heart.

She still didn't like to worry her friends, but she knew it was all right for her to turn to them occasionally, to ask for their support when she needed it. She knew they would gladly and wholeheartedly give it. She knew it was necessary for her to reveal and face her emotions in order to move on, and she needed their support in doing it.

In time, she would accept she wasn't going to have a child of Kira's and hers. She was going to be fine with it, or to not suffer as much, at least.

But, for now, she had to wait.

For now, she was still longing for the child. She could clearly picture the baby in her mind: Kira's hair, her mother's eyes, her father's nose, Cagalli's smile, her ears. Her baby she would never have. Her baby she could never hold in her arms. It might sound strange, but she loved the child she didn't know, the child that didn't even exist in this universe yet...the child that was never going to exist. She loved the child as much as her husband, and she couldn't let go of the baby just yet.

So, for now, she would wait, enduring the pain and pangs of envy she felt while seeing other people have what she could never have. She would wait for time to heal her loss. Loss of what she had never had, yet still lost.

She would wait for the pain to subside. She would wait for herself, with her friends' support, to recover and become able to completely accept adopting a child. She would wait for the child to come to her arms. Not their own child, but their child nonetheless.

She would wait for the day to come.

* * *

 **A/N** : This chapter is gloomy, though not the heaviest, partly because I wanted to make Kira and Lacus look a little more like an ordinary human being. In the series, to be exact in GSD, they look too perfect. Their relationship, too. I wanted to show that even they have some things they can't do. That even they have some weaknesses and faults. That there are problems even in their relationship.

And I have to make one thing clear. The idea that Kira doesn't want his own child because of his biological father isn't mine. I read someone suggesting it years ago. It stuck in my mind, and I borrowed it for this fic.

Oh, and one more thing. I'm aware that using an artificial womb is probably common, at least among PLANT citizens. And I suppose Yzak and Shiho are likely to take the option since Shiho is a soldier. But it's easier to make Lacus envious if Shiho is actually pregnant and Lacus has to see it. So I made it this way.

The next chapter will be about Yzak and Shiho and lighter, actually the lightest. Not much angst, though not fluffy either.

* * *

 ***posted 04/12/16***


	3. Close Enough

English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).

 **Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.**

* * *

 **Grass on My Side**

PHASE-03: Close Enough

* * *

Annoying. Irritating. Frustrating.

If someone asked for his honest opinion about the ball, they would be the words Yzak used to describe it. Not that he would or could actually say it out loud. Well, not in front of people who were not his friends or subordinates, at least.

It wasn't like he had a problem with the ball or its purpose, let alone the hostess. He respected and admired the Chairwoman—though he didn't really think she had good taste in men, but of course he wouldn't say such a rude thing to her—and supported the event, not just because it was his job, but because he understood the importance of events like this.

However, it didn't mean he could enjoy participating in it. In fact, he wasn't enjoying it a bit. Although as a son of a councilwoman before, and a councilman and a commander now, he had attended balls and other formal events plenty of times, he never liked it. He wouldn't have been here if given a choice. Being the person in charge of security at the ball, however, he had had no other option. He had to endure superficial smiles and endless, meaningless conversations.

And a certain dark-skinned subordinate of his wasn't helping him get out of a bad mood. Yzak would use the same three words he used to describe the ball to describe him: annoying, irritating, and frustrating. Especially right now. Especially when he was distracted by his love life.

They had been talking about a security problem. Well, Yzak had. But Dearka didn't seem to have been listening to him. His eyes were darting around as if looking for someone. He _was_ looking for someone, and Yzak knew exactly who it was. But he didn't care. _W_ _hy the hell should I_ _?_

Annoyed, he tapped his foot. "Are you listening to me, _O_ _fficer Elthman_?" he drawled. He would have shouted or smacked Dearka's head if they had not been at a ball, if there had not been an audience.

"Huh?" The pair of purple eyes was finally turned to him. "Sure. Yeah. I think so, too."

His lips twitched. "Then, repeat what I just said."

"Well...you hate a ball?" Dearka tried his luck.

This time, it was his hands that twitched. Suppressing the urge to grab Dearka's collar and punch him in the face, he voiced his concern again. "I said, Asuka and Hawke haven't reported yet."

"Really?" Dearka glanced at the clock. "Well, it's been...what? Twenty minutes?"

There had been a slight disturbance outside in the garden. It had not seemed to be serious, but taking a precaution, Yzak had sent two Red Coats to investigate it. They were supposed to have reported to him at least ten minutes ago. They didn't even answer him through the intercom.

Dearka shrugged. "I think you're worrying too much. Maybe there's a fight, and they're too busy stopping it."

He shot the blond a glare. " _I_ _f_ there is a fight, it would be no laughing matter."

Dearka wasn't fazed. "If it's anything serious, they would've already reported or asked for help. You should trust them."

He had to admit Dearka was right, though he didn't say it out loud. _N_ _ot in a million years_ _._ He just huffed.

Knowing Yzak was convinced, Dearka looked around again. And then, he raised his hand in greeting. "Hey."

Yzak turned his face in the direction to find his wife. "Hah—Shiho." He inwardly cursed at himself, noticing out of the corner of his eye that Dearka shot his eyebrows up with an amused expression.

Not noticing his annoyance at the dark-skinned blond or simply ignoring it, Shiho said in a calm tone, "Yzak, I'm going home now. I already talked to the Chairwoman."

He nodded. "I see. Good night." Then, he added, mostly in order to prevent a certain bystander from dropping an irritating remark, or two, later, though he knew it probably would be in vain, "Take care."

She looked at him a little curiously, but didn't say anything except returning "Good night." Not that he had expected her to make a comment on his additional greeting. His wife wasn't the kind of person who said worthless, unnecessary things. Unlike the man standing next to him.

"Bye, Shiho." The said man waved at her cheerfully.

"Bye, Dearka." She turned around and left.

As soon as she was out of hearing distance, Dearka spoke up with a wide grin, "So...you still call your _wife_ by her maiden name?"

"Aren't those two things on the sides of your head ears? Or do you have them there just for fashion purpose? I didn't call her by her maiden name, idiot."

"But you almost did."

Ignoring Dearka, he started walking toward a table where drinks and snacks were served, more for the purpose of avoiding the conversation than getting something to eat or drink.

Of course it didn't work. Dearka followed him and continued in a perky tone, "You really should warm up to her, you know. What kind of husband are you to not call your wife by her first name?"

"Shut up," he hissed, "That's none of your fucking business! Why don't you stop bothering me and go find that girlfriend of yours?"

Dearka's grin faltered though he hid his agitation well enough. "She's not my girlfriend."

"Then what? Your crush? Fuck buddy?" He scoffed.

"Maybe. At least she's not the only girl I fuck."

"But she is the only woman who could make you obsessed with her," he retorted, determined to stick to the subject so that the matter of his marriage wouldn't be brought up again.

"Hey, I'm not obsessed with her!"

"Yeah, that's not why you weren't listening to your superior. You weren't thinking about her at all."

Dearka opened his mouth, trying to argue, only to close it without saying anything. The silence of the blond who hardly stopped chattering gave Yzak satisfaction.

With a frustrated sigh, Dearka tousled his hair. "It's...complicated."

"You _make_ it complicated. You like it that way."

"What do you mean by that?" Dearka looked offended.

"If you don't want a complicated relationship, you would've already ended it. You obviously like it," he said matter-of-factly.

The purple-eyed man frowned. "It's not that simple."

"It _is_ simple. If you want it, then take it. If you don't want it, then leave it."

Dearka sighed, shaking his head. "Love and relationship are much more than that." Then he grinned. "You'll understand when you fall in love with Shiho."

Yzak growled. _A_ _nd here I thought I'd successfully distracted him_ _._

He didn't like it when other people intruded on his private life. He especially hated it when someone—namely his mother and Dearka—commented on how his behavior was far from what a proper husband should do.

So what if he wasn't the best husband in the universe? It wasn't like his wife minded it. At least he didn't think she did. Then, there should be no problem.

But it didn't convince even himself. He hated those comments partly because he knew they were true. He knew he was supposed to take good care of her, which he had not been exactly doing.

He knew he had to act a little bit more like...a husband. But it didn't mean he had to get starry-eyed and act lovey-dovey. It shouldn't mean it. He was never going to do such a thing. That wasn't what he wanted. He had not gotten married to do something— _stupid_ —like that. If he had wanted to do it, he wouldn't have married the woman he had been arranged to marry.

Of course, he cared about the well-being of his wife. But his relationship with her was different from that between Dearka and the brown-haired Natural, or those of other couples.

"Just because I'm married to her, it doesn't mean I have to fall in love with her. Contrary to your belief, not everyone needs to be in love," he said as indifferently as possible, turning to the table, in front of which they had been standing for a while, and pretending to be busy examining snacks on it.

Dearka threw his arm around Yzak's shoulder. "You don't have to look so disgusted. It feels good to be in love. Well...not always." His face fell a little, but he immediately put on a smile again. "But hey, look at Athrun, or Kira. Don't you want, even a little bit, to be happy like them?"

It sparked Yzak's interest a little. If he was completely honest with himself, there was a small part of him which was curious about romantic love. _A_ _tiny bit_ _._ Did it really feel that good to be in love? But it didn't mean he wanted to be in love.

He didn't deny those couples looked happy. Even Dearka. Although he was often troubled by his rocky relationship with Miriallia, there were times he was in a euphoric mood, grinning and humming and almost skipping, which usually resulted in Yzak yelling at him or smacking him, though it wouldn't really stop him from doing it.

Well, technically, Dearka wasn't one of "those couples" since he denied being in a relationship with Miriallia. But in Yzak's opinion, they weren't so different from other couples. They acted differently around each other. At least Dearka did. Yzak didn't really know the woman and couldn't tell whether the way she acted around Dearka was unusual for her. But judging from what others who knew her better said, it seemed to be the case. Although in a different way, they were as irritating as other couples.

It wasn't like Yzak had something against couples. He just didn't feel totally comfortable with the public display of affection. And he hated that people, especially his subordinates, caused him trouble because of the problems in their love life. He was fine with couples as long as they separated their work and private life, or at least left him out of their drama.

Regrettably, his hope wasn't always fulfilled. He had to witness the drama other couples created more often than he liked. As much as he was irritated by it, it sometimes made him wonder what it felt like to be in love. Especially when they looked so happy.

It didn't mean he wasn't happy. He _was_ happy. He was satisfied with his life, both his job and private life. But he felt they would have experienced more happiness in life than he would. He didn't think he had ever looked as happy as Dearka did after having some good time with Miriallia. And the thought made him...not exactly envious, but rather unsure about his life, a little.

But then again, those couples probably would have experienced more misery than he would. From what he had unwillingly seen, being in love surely had its drawbacks. He didn't think it was worth all those troubles.

However, his dark-skinned friend clearly had a different opinion on it.

"Maybe you won't be as uptight when you're in love." Dearka grinned. Yzak looked at him maliciously, but what the blond said next caught him off guard. "And you can make Shiho happy, too."

He stared at Dearka with a frown. Was he implying she wasn't happy now?

As he was about to question the purple-eyed man, he noticed Dearka's eyes fell on something behind him. "Oh, hey. We were just talking about you," Dearka said, looking past him.

 _Hahnenfuss?!_ Feeling a little nervous for some reason, he turned around hastily. "Why did you—Athrun?" It was his old rival that he found standing several steps behind him instead of his wife.

"Hey, Yzak. Dearka." Athrun didn't seem to have noticed his confusion.

Unfortunately for him, Dearka was more observant. There was already a broad grin spread all over his face. "Did you think it's someone else? Like...a woman with long brown hair?"

Yzak glared daggers at him, wishing Dearka would drop dead or at least unconscious. However, there seemed to be no god or goddess to grant his wish.

"You already miss her?" the blond happily continued, looking healthy as ever, while Athrun was listening to them—well, Dearka—with a confused expression. "Man, it's been only a few minutes. I didn't know you're already that madly in love with her."

A look of realization crossed Athrun's face. "Oh, are you talking about Yzak's wife?"

"Yup. He mistook you for her."

"He did?" The green eyes turned to him curiously, which he ignored with all his might. It wasn't his fault. They had been talking about Shiho as well as Athrun. Actually, more about her rather than him. _A_ _nyone would make the same mistake_ _,_ he defended himself inwardly. But he wasn't going to say it to his friends for he knew all too well that it only would encourage Dearka to tease him more.

"What was her name? It starts with...S, right?"

"It's Shiho." Dearka added with twinkling eyes, "Though her husband rarely calls her by that name."

"Huh?" Athrun blinked.

He couldn't hold his tongue anymore. "Don't listen to this imbecile!"

"What? I'm telling no lies," Dearka said innocently.

"Get your ass off here," he gritted. He had had enough. "Go somewhere! Go check up on Asuka and Hawke! Go make yourself useful for once!"

Dearka was unperturbed by his little outburst, but with a shrug and a sloppy salute, he left as ordered. "Yes, sir." Even though Dearka constantly annoyed the living daylights out of Yzak, and liked it, he knew when to quit. That was why they had been able to stay friends.

"You know, you should keep your voice down," Athrun commented coolly.

Yzak's nose crinkled in irritation, but he said nothing, knowing it was true. Some people in their vicinity were looking at them—him—curiously. He looked at them challengingly until they averted their eyes and got a safe distance from him, and then breathed deeply. _I_ _will_ not _lose my cool here_ _._

Glancing at him, Athrun walked closer to the table to examine various cakes on it.

He raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know you like sweets."

"It's not for me. Cagalli ordered me to get a cake for her." Athrun paused and added as an afterthought, "Though I don't really mind getting one for myself as well."

He scoffed. "Not only she bosses you around, but she's rubbed off on you, too?"

Athrun simply shrugged, not getting mad or embarrassed as Yzak would have preferred. "It's just natural when you become close to someone and spend time together a lot. Hasn't it happened to you, too? You've been married for...two years? Three?"

He was at a loss for words. Had it really happened to him as well? If so, he had not realized it. Actually, he had never thought that it was possible. That something like that would ever happen to him.

Picking up two plates with cakes, Athrun looked at him with curious eyes.

He cleared his throat and snapped, annoyed that Athrun— _this jackass_ —of all people had made him speechless even only for a second, "It's different. I'm not like you love-struck fools."

"I know your marriage was arranged according to the genetic matchmaking program. But she is still your wife, isn't she? The woman you will spend the rest of your life with."

He was almost rendered speechless again. Almost. _N_ _ot again_ _._ He wouldn't let Athrun do it to him twice in a row. Once was already humiliating enough.

He forced himself to reply as fast as possible. It was probably too fast. He didn't really think about what he was going to say before he said it.

"It doesn't mean we are spending a lot of time together."

Realizing what he had just said, he mentally slapped himself. He glared at Athrun who was cocking his head to the side. _I_ _t_ _'_ _s_ his _fault_ _._

"You don't spend time with your wife? But you two live together...you do, right?"

"Of course we do, dimwit!" he hissed, trying to make his voice low so that he didn't draw attention to them again. It was a good thing he had already scared people away and no one was near them.

"You live with her, but don't spend time with her?"

"We both have work."

The truth was that he had not even spoken to his wife for about a week before the ball, let alone spent time with her. It wasn't like he had avoided her. He just had been busy preparing for the ball, and not gone back home. But he wasn't going to tell Athrun about it. _N_ _o fucking way_ _._

"But aren't you worried? She is pregnant."

"The doctor assured everything is fine."

"Did you go to the hospital? How was it?" Athrun asked with interest. And for a moment, Yzak thought he saw a slight longing in the green eyes.

Suddenly feeling uncomfortable, he shifted from foot to foot. "Well... Actually, I didn't. She reported to me after her check-up."

"You make it sound like she is your subordinate rather than your wife."

Completely forgetting his discomfort a few seconds ago, he sent a death glare to the blue-head. "She _is_ my subordinate. Even if she isn't in my team anymore."

"But she's not just your subordinate. She is also your wife," Athrun pointed out.

"So what?! It doesn't mean I have to be in love with her."

Athrun blinked. "I didn't say that."

He silently cursed at himself. "Forget it. It's all that dickass's fault."

"You mean Dearka? What did he do?"

"He just can't keep his dumb nose out of my business."

"Like you don't call your wife by her first name?"

He gave a dirty look to the green-eyed man again. _W_ _hy does he have to remember_ that _?_ He knew Athrun had a good memory. But at the same time, he wasn't really attentive to other people's personal affairs or nosy like Dearka. Yzak had hoped that Athrun had disregarded Dearka's comment. But it didn't seem to be his day.

"Before you start lecturing me as well, let's make this clear. Again. We are different. _I_ am different. I'm not like you. Or that lovesick moron." He added in annoyance, "I'll never be distracted from my work just because of a woman."

"Oh, yeah, I caught a glimpse of Miriallia," Athrun said with understanding, "I suppose Dearka has been restless?"

He humphed. "I'd rather call it being useless." Athrun simply gave a small smile, used to Yzak's biting remarks especially about the purple-eyed blond.

"Well..." The blue-head glanced at the plates in his hands, and then looked at him as if wanting to say something, perhaps about his marriage. However, much to his relief, Athrun only said, "I better go now. Cagalli must be losing patience."

Turning around, Athrun nodded in farewell. He gave back a curt nod.

As he followed Athrun's back with his eyes and checking which direction he went, Yzak's thoughts wandered to what the blue-head had said, what had made him nearly speechless. As much as he hated to admit it, Athrun was right: Shiho was his wife, and they would spend the rest of their lives together.

But he had not really thought of it that way. To him, marrying her meant mostly living in the same house and having a child with her, not much more. Since they had been working together and he had known he could feel comfortable with having her around, he had not opposed the engagement when it had been arranged. And he had never given serious thought to it.

He scowled, feeling somewhat stupid. Marrying Shiho was different from simply living with a subordinate, or with someone for that matter. It meant they became family, which meant they were supposed to love each other.

Even though he was unfamiliar with romantic love, he knew love between family members. He loved his mother. Some of his comrades, mostly Dearka, had even called him "Mama's boy" though he had made them pay for their rude— _and totally untrue_ —remarks.

He had been treating his wife just like he did his mother. With respect, courtesy, and consideration. Well, maybe not enough. He wasn't the most respectful, polite, and considerate person in the universe. But at least he tried as much as he could.

However, it wasn't exactly the same with his wife as with his mother. Partly because Shiho was his subordinate and he was used to being rather overbearing with her. In his relationship with his mother, in contrast, she was the overbearing one.

There was another difference. He could say he loved his mother, though not out loud. He had not said it to her for a long time, not only in front of other people but also when they were alone. In his opinion, it wasn't what a grown-up man would say. But he still admitted to himself that he loved her.

With his wife, however, he never had. He wasn't even sure if he loved her. Not just romantically. He didn't know if his feelings for her could be called family love. All he knew was that he cared about her. And wasn't it enough? _...Probably_ _not_ _,_ he reluctantly admitted.

He didn't think she expected him to love her romantically. If she had, she wouldn't have married him, right? They had known each other for years prior to the marriage. She should have known he was different from Dearka, or Athrun or Kira.

Romantic love wasn't what was expected of their marriage, what they were supposed to expect from each other. But she probably had expected family love from him. He couldn't blame her if she had. It was just natural since they were family now.

He couldn't help but feel a little guilty. He might have been letting her down not only because he had not acted like a proper husband, but also because he had not given her what she rightfully deserved as his wife. Dearka might be right. She might not be really happy now, even if she wasn't exactly unhappy. If so, he must do something to change the situation. It was his duty as her husband.

 _B_ _ut how_ _?_ He felt completely lost. How could he give her love? How could he do it when he couldn't even be sure he had it inside him?

He furrowed his brows, trying to find a solution to the problem. There had to be one. Maybe...he didn't have to do it right away. It didn't work that way, right? It took time to grow to love someone. Maybe it was enough for now to show some affection to her.

 _...B_ _ut how_ _?_ he repeated the question. He had as little idea about how to show affection as about how to grow to love someone. It was simply not in his character. He wasn't by nature an affectionate person.

Frustrated, he exhaled deeply. In a way, this was harder than piloting mobile suits or fighting against warships. He wasn't good at this kind of thing: love and relationship. In fact, he was far from good.

He felt a little— _really,_ _really little_ —envious of his friends though there was simply no way he would tell them so. It seemed to be so easy for them to love someone and show it to those they loved. Even Athrun, who was rather collected and not usually expressive.

Dearka even showed affection toward women he just met. It wasn't like Yzak wanted to become like the dark-skinned man. It was actually the last thing he wanted. But he had to admit that Dearka was better than he was at building relationships with others, whether it was a romantic one, a friendly one, or a professional one. He knew he owed a lot to his second-in-command. Without Dearka, he would have had more difficulty in keeping his team running smoothly and dealing with other commanders and his superiors.

He wondered if he should ask Dearka for advice before immediately dismissing it. The mere thought of doing it was too much for him to bear. He didn't think he could handle actually doing it. He would probably end up shooting the blond or himself.

After some thinking, he came up with an alternative solution. He would just observe how Dearka interacted with women, especially the woman he loved. Although he had seen Dearka's interaction with women numerous times, he had never paid attention to it. He had either been annoyed and tried to stop Dearka, or regarded it as not worth his attention and ignored it. Perhaps it was time he changed his attitude a little, though he wasn't going to let the purple-eyed man, or anyone, know about it.

He shook his head, sighing. Observing was better than asking for advice, but it was still not going to be easy. He would be horribly annoyed by Dearka's behavior. But he was going to do it for his wife's sake. He cared about her at least that much. It might not be love, but something close to it.

As soon as he finished his thoughts, his second-in-command called through the intercom as if he somehow had been able to sense it, _"H_ _ey, Commander_ _."_

Yzak switched on the microphone. "Did you find out what had happened?"

 _"Y_ _ep_ _. N_ _othing serious_ _. T_ _old you_ _. J_ _ust an unfortunate meeting of a drunken guy and a garden light_ _. T_ _he only casualty_ _'_ _s a broken light_ _. A_ _nd maybe minor cuts and bruises_ _."_

"How is the man?"

 _"Embarrassed. A_ _lready left for home_ _."_

"Good." He breathed a sigh of relief. There seemed to be nothing to worry about, after all. "Asuka and Hawke are there with you?"

 _"Y_ _es_ _, C_ _ommander_ _J_ _oule_ _,"_ two new voices answered.

"Why didn't you answer me earlier?" he questioned, trying to keep his voice calm.

There was a short silence before the blond chimed in cheerfully, _"O_ _h_ _,_ _they were busy_ _. A_ _lovers_ _'_ _quarrel, you know_ _."_

 _"W_ _e're not lovers_ _!"_ the two Red Coats objected at the same time. Yzak grimaced, turning down the volume.

 _"I_ _thought you got back together last month_ _?"_

 _"W_ _e broke up yesterday_ _,"_ Lunamaria spat, _"_ _because he_ _'_ _s such a baby_ _."_

 _"W_ _ho are you calling a baby_ _?!"_ Shinn replied angrily.

 _"Y_ _ou, of course_ _! W_ _ho else_ _? Y_ _ou just can_ _'_ _t grow up, can you_ _!"_

 _"A_ _nd you just can_ _'_ _t stop being bossy_ _!"_

Ignoring them, Dearka sighed regretfully. _"S_ _hit_ _. I_ _lost the bet_ _."_

 _"W_ _hat bet_ _?"_ the raven-head and the red-head said at the same time again.

 _"I_ _bet on two months_ _'til_ _you break up again_ _. Y_ _ou should_ _'_ _ve waited for one more week_ _."_

 _"W_ _hat_ _?!"_ Shinn sounded flabbergasted.

 _"A_ _re you guys making a bet on us_ _?"_ Lunamaria asked in disbelief.

Controlling the urge to roar at his subordinates, Yzak took a deep breath. _L_ _ater_ _. W_ _hen there is no audience_ _, I'_ _ll kill them all_ _._

 _"Y_ _eah_ _. I_ _t_ _'_ _s one of the popular ones_ _."_

 _"W_ _ait_ _! W_ _hat do you mean popular_ _? Y_ _ou_ _'_ _re not_ _—_ _"_

He forcefully switched off the intercom. He had no time or energy to waste on hearing about, or meddling in, other people's love life.

He had already heard enough about the on-and-off relationship between Shinn and Lunamaria. It was rather difficult not to since neither of them tried to hide their personal affairs. They regularly had arguments, and sometimes made up, in workplace. Even though they served under Kira— _birds of a feather flock together, huh_ —not him, the two teams often worked together and he had to watch their drama, much to his annoyance. He had absolutely no intention to know more about it. _P_ _eople in love are stupid_ _._

He breathed deeply several more times before starting to walk in the direction Athrun had left. Seeing the blue-head, he had remembered that he had not yet had time to greet the Chief Representative properly and he had to before she left.

He let out a sigh while walking. It wasn't like he disliked the amber-eyed woman. Despite the constant bickering, he actually liked her. He appreciated her honesty and straightforwardness unusual for a politician. She was one of the few people in this ballroom whom he could enjoy having a conversation with. It was just that he didn't like to see Athrun around her.

At the sight of the table Athrun and two women were seated at, he stopped to observe them. He groaned, noticing what he had named "a stupid goofy grin only genuine fools can have" on Athrun's face. The blue-head looked like a completely different person from the boy Yzak had fostered a strong rivalry against, and it made him feel irritated and tired at the same time. _P_ _eople in love are absolutely stupid_ _._ If being in love meant looking like that, it was definitely a blessing that he wasn't.

* * *

Sitting in the backseat of the limousine, Shiho released a heavy sigh. She was tired, mostly because of her huge belly. Otherwise, she wouldn't have felt this tired; she was a soldier, a pretty good one.

 _B_ _ut it won_ _'_ _t be long_ _._ She put a hand over her stomach. Her due date was soon, and then, she would be free from all the troubles the pregnancy had caused her. Of course, there would be the task of taking care of the baby and it wouldn't be so easy even with a nanny. But she would be able to move freely and go back to more active work shortly instead of doing desk work. She would be able to fight along with her husband and her other comrades.

The thought of her husband brought her mind back to the conversation with him right before she had left the ballroom. A small smile played around her lips. It was rare for him to show his concern for her like that. She knew he had done it to make them more look like a normal married couple so that people—namely Dearka—wouldn't make any comment. But it didn't mean he had not meant it. She knew he cared about her though he hardly showed it.

She also knew he didn't love her. Not romantically, anyway. And she couldn't say it didn't bother her at all. He had been her secret crush, after all, and she had been delighted when their marriage had been arranged despite knowing fully well that it was only a genetic match.

She didn't deny that she sometimes felt envious of Dearka and the Natural woman he seemed to have been chasing for years—though she didn't really know the woman and only heard about the woman by overhearing her husband's conversation with the blond—or of the Chairwoman and her husband who never hid their affection toward each other.

Her husband and she would never be like that. She had accepted it a long time ago, even before they had gotten married.

But even though he wasn't in love with her, he cared about her. He was the one who had arranged this limousine so that she didn't have to drive a car by herself as she usually did.

She suspected either his mother or a certain dark-skinned friend of his had advised him about it. He wasn't really a considerate person and this kind of behavior was unusual for him. But she didn't care. What was important was that he had arranged it for her. That he cared about her enough to do it despite his busy schedule.

Besides, it wasn't like he was in love with someone else or he was cheating on her. She was the closest woman to him—well, except for his mother probably. And it was enough for her.

Or at least that was what she told herself. To be honest, she would appreciate it if he was a little bit more...friendly to her. But he wasn't the friendliest person to begin with. He wasn't exactly friendly to his two closest friends: Dearka and Athrun. He rarely showed his concern for them directly, let alone affection. He wasn't just that kind of person. He preferred to keep them to himself and show them in indirect ways.

So she had resigned herself to his lack of intimacy. Although she sometimes envied other couples intimate and affectionate with each other, she had accepted this was the man she had married. The man she had chosen.

Even though their marriage was an arranged marriage, she still had chosen to go along with it. To marry him. And she didn't regret her decision.

She closed her eyes, deciding to take a nap until the limousine arrived home. Her home. Their home.

* * *

 **A/N** : Sorry if you are disappointed Shiho's part is short. But I don't really feel comfortable with including her since I know almost nothing about her personality. It feels like putting an OC in the fic, which I don't want to do unless it's really necessary. So I kept her part as short as possible.

The next chapter will be about Dearka and Miriallia, and pretty heavy. Actually, it will be the heaviest chapter. And the longest, more than twice the length of this chapter.

* * *

 ***posted 04** **/18** **/16***


	4. Silence Is Deadly

English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).

 **Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.**

* * *

 **Grass on My Side**

PHASE-04: Silence Is Deadly

* * *

It was uncomfortable. This silence. This tension. The ballroom wasn't really quiet. In fact, it was far from quiet. The orchestra was playing slow dance music; there were many people in the room talking and laughing. But a silence, an awkward silence, was hanging between them.

Silence was never Dearka's thing. He liked chatting, especially with women, so much that his silver-haired superior regularly threatened to cut off his tongue if he wouldn't shut up his "good-for-nothing mouth." His father often said warningly, "Remember, Dearka. Silence is golden." But he had never agreed with him.

He knew silence was necessary or essential in some occasions. Like when you were about to ambush the enemy. In those cases, he could keep his mouth shut just fine. It wasn't like he didn't know how to do it, as some of his friends had claimed.

He just saw no point in doing it when he didn't have to. What was the fun of simply sitting or standing without talking? He suspected his blue-haired friend might know the answer for it. But he didn't.

He preferred chatting to keeping silence. He was good at having funny conversations, which had served him well. It was part of his charm, a major reason for his popularity among women along with his handsome face. He had never had difficulty coming up with things to talk about.

Well, maybe not never. He glanced at the woman who constantly haunted his dreams. It wasn't the first time he was at a loss what to do or say in her presence. It seemed like she had some kind of power to render him silent. _Y_ _zak definitely wanna know how to acquire that power_ _._ He would have smirked at his own thought in a different situation. But not now.

Coming back to the ballroom and looking for Yzak, he had run into Miriallia, who was picking up a plate with sandwiches from the refreshment table. At first, he had been delighted. He had been looking for her since the ball had begun, and it had been almost half a year since they had met last. He had followed her to a nearby table where she was now seated eating, even though she obviously had not welcomed his company. He was used to her scowl and cold shoulder anyway.

They had exchanged some words, about their jobs, about the ball, about mutual friends. But not about themselves. Not about their relationship, if there was any.

And she clearly didn't want to talk to him. Their conversation had been almost one-sided. He said something; she made some sound as a response, or just said nothing. He asked a question; she gave a short answer, one or two words, or simply ignored it. He had started to feel uncomfortable and stopped talking. She had not shown any sign of starting a conversation or wanting him to resume talking. It was a miracle she was still here.

 _W_ _ell_ _,_ _maybe because she wasn_ _'_ _t done with the food yet_ _,_ he thought wryly. And there was no other empty table in sight. She probably didn't want to wander around with a plate with a half-eaten sandwich.

Usually he wasn't a pessimist, not at all. But now, he couldn't help but be one. He wanted to believe that she was still here because she wanted to spend some time, or better, a night with him. That she had been cold to him just because she didn't know how to tell him so. But it seemed to be as far away from the truth as possible.

He suppressed a sigh. It didn't seem like he was going to have some fun tonight as he had hoped.

He glanced at her, wishing she would speak, even if only one word, voluntarily. If silence was such a good thing as his father said, couldn't it change her attitude a little? But she didn't look affected by silence. He noticed she was going to finish the last sandwich soon. If he did nothing by then, she probably would simply leave.

He was racking his brain for a way to change her mood, to make her willing to spend a night with him when she spoke up.

"Dearka."

He turned his face to her, glad and relieved that she was finally willing to talk with him. The last sandwich was already gone, and she was wiping her fingers with a napkin. She looked up, staring into his eyes with a grave face.

 _O_ _h_ _,_ _shit_ _. N_ _o_ _._ He slightly widened his eyes, sensing what she was about to say.

Before he could do anything to stop her, she continued, "Let's stop this." The words hit him harder than he had expected. "We can't keep doing this forever." Her voice wasn't shaking, though it wasn't calm either.

She lowered her gaze to her hand holding the napkin, and dropped it on the plate. "It's not gonna take us anywhere. I know it. You know it. ...It's just a waste of time."

A sudden anger rose up within him. "So you wanna end it _just like this_? _A_ _gain_? You haven't changed a bit, huh?" His voice was filled with more venom than he had intended.

She glared back at him. She hid it, but he still could see it in her eyes: pain laced with sadness and desperation.

He knew it wasn't like she didn't love him or want a relationship with him. It was just that the fact they both wanted each other wasn't exactly enough. He knew why she had said it. Why she wanted to end this. He understood it. But it didn't mean he would agree with her.

As he saw her in pain, his chest tightened. But he didn't feel like taking back his words or saying something to comfort her. _I_ _t won_ _'_ _t change anything anyway_ _,_ he said to himself sourly.

Miriallia stood up angrily. "You haven't changed, either," she spat out bitterly as she turned her back to him. And she walked away from him, not looking back even once. Not that he had expected she would.

"Fuck," he muttered, covering his eyes.

Maybe his father was right after all. Silence might be golden. Probably he should have been satisfied with the silent treatment she had given him and shouldn't have wished for her words. Then, he wouldn't have had to hear what she had just said. He wouldn't have had to say what he had just said, which clearly hurt her.

Then again, maybe his father was wrong. Maybe he shouldn't have stopped talking in the first place. Maybe he should have continued chattering no matter what. Even if she had tried to speak up. He should have interrupted her, not giving her a chance to say it.

Then, their situation might have been different. She might have changed her mind and spent a night with him. Or she might not have said it, at least.

But they were all meaningless now. There was no point listing what he should have done and what might have happened. She had already said it. He had already said it. And nothing could change it now.

"What are you doing there, standing like a dummy?"

Removing his hand from his eyes, he turned to the person who had just walked up to him. "You're too late."

Yzak glowered. "What?"

The silver-haired man sounded annoyed, but he couldn't care less. He didn't have any intention or energy left to try not to offend Yzak. Not that he usually tried. But especially now. He only shook his head, drawing a long sigh.

* * *

Miriallia hastily passed through the crowd, hands clenched into fists. She was somewhat worried over other people glancing at her curiously or disapprovingly. She knew this wasn't the way guests were supposed to behave. It might cause some problem. But she couldn't help it.

 _S_ _crew it_ _. I_ _t_ _'_ _s not like I have a reputation to protect,_ _l_ _ike Cagalli or Lacus_ _._ At the thought, or to be exact, at the name of the amber-eyed blonde, the pain in her chest increased. She pursed her lips tighter as she turned in the direction of a balcony.

Pushing the glass doors with her shoulder and nearly running out on the balcony, she came to an abrupt stop. The place was already occupied by someone else, who turned around in surprise.

With the light from behind her, she could see the person's face. "Kira?"

His surprised look turned into a smile. "Miri, hi. It's been a while."

"Yeah. How have you been?" She walked up to his side and leaned on the railing.

"Fine. How about you? Are you all right? Did something happen?" He cast a worried glance at the doors to the ballroom, which she had just pushed through.

Embarrassed, she gave him a reassuring smile. "Nothing. I'm fine. I just..." Wondering if she should tell him what had happened, she stared down at the garden. He was silently waiting, giving her time to gather her thoughts, which she was grateful for.

She turned to him after several minutes, taking a deep breath. She wanted to talk to someone, and Kira was a good listener, not to mention a trustworthy friend. "I bumped into Dearka."

He simply nodded, knowing there was more to the story.

"We...kinda fought. I…told him we should end this."

He blinked in surprise. "You broke up with him?"

She shrugged. "Not that we were in a relationship to begin with."

He tilted his head questioningly.

She looked away, slightly regretting having this conversation. "We sleep together once in a while. That's it." She was glad it was dark enough to hide her blush, though he might be still able to see it with his enhanced vision. But she was determined not to find it out.

"Oh," he sounded embarrassed, shifting from one foot to the other, "Well...ah...but you like him, right?"

She sighed, her elbows on the railing, her chin in a hand. "Sure. I like him. Maybe even love him." She might not admit it to anyone else. In fact, she had never admitted it to Dearka himself. But she felt comfortable with Kira, and she knew he wouldn't tell anyone, even Dearka.

"But I can't help but think something like...'Is this really what I want? What he wants? Can we make it? Do we really wanna do this despite those problems?' And I can't say yes."

"Problems?"

"Like our families. My parents don't like me dating a Coordinator."

His eyes widened. "They don't like Coordinators? I thought...they were always nice to me."

"Yeah. They like you. It's not like they don't like Coordinators. Or that's what they say. They're okay with having a Coordinator as a neighbor or a co-worker, or even a friend. But not a family member." Her voice was edged with a slight anger. But it soon dulled into weariness.

"Oh." He seemed to be at a loss for words.

"And his parents aren't exactly Natural-friendly, either."

She shifted her eyes from him to the garden lights glowing with soft light. There were lights of various colors: purple, yellow, green, blue, red, white. It was a lovely, almost dreamlike sight. But it somehow made her sad.

 _W_ _hy can_ _'_ _t we just be like this_ _?_ The sight was beautiful because there were various colored lights mixed together. Then, why couldn't humans just accept each other's differences and create a beautiful world as well?

She had known there were people who wouldn't accept those different from themselves. But she had never imagined her own parents were part of them. She couldn't understand why they objected to her having a relationship with a Coordinator so much when they had good relationships with Coordinator neighbors or co-workers and sometimes even invited them to their house. She couldn't see any difference. But her parents didn't agree with her.

When she had found out her family's objection to her relationship with Dearka, she had been upset, but still hopeful. She herself had once had some prejudice against Coordinators despite having a Coordinator friend.

It was actually Dearka that had made her realize it. She had tried to kill him just because he was a Coordinator. Well, and a ZAFT soldier. But either way, she had not seen him as a person. Sure, it had been during the war, and she had just lost her boyfriend who had been killed by one of his comrades.

But she probably wouldn't have acted like that if he had been a Natural. Even though she had never disliked Coordinators, she had still harbored prejudice against them.

Thanks to Fllay, however, she had realized it in time. She had not killed Dearka or let Fllay kill him, which she was enormously glad about. Not just because she had fallen in love with him after that, but because she had never wanted to be a person who hated a Coordinator simply because of their genetics. She probably couldn't have forgiven herself if she had killed Dearka. She probably could have never looked Kira in the eye.

During the war, she had acknowledged her prejudice and tried to throw it aside. She had learned to see a Coordinator as a person, a human, no different from a Natural. Not only her friends, but all Coordinators. And Dearka had helped her more than she cared to admit.

So she had hoped that her parents would also learn to do it. That they would eventually accept her relationship with Dearka, or at least stop objecting just because he was a Coordinator.

However, it didn't seem to be happening. Her parents had been unwilling to talk about or hear about him. After she had blown up once, they had told her that they only wanted her to be happy, and it was best for her to choose a Natural as a life partner. No matter what she said, they firmly believed Naturals and Coordinators had to have a boundary to coexist peacefully: be friends, but not family.

Feeling weariness mixed with anger again, she shook her head. "I can't say I wanna be with Dearka even if my parents disown me."

"Will they?" Kira sounded astonished. "Do they dislike you being with a Coordinator that much?"

"Honestly, I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not." She had thought her parents might accept a Coordinator as part of the family if it was someone like Kira. His parents were Naturals, and they all were Orb citizens. However, with someone like Dearka who was from PLANT and had Coordinator parents disliking Naturals, it seemed hopeless.

She looked at Kira tiredly. "I guess it's possible they'll be okay with me and Dearka eventually. But what if they won't? I'm not sure I wanna try and find out. I can't be sure."

Looking back at the garden, she said quietly, more to herself than to him, "Sometimes I wonder how they...Cagalli and Athrun can be so sure."

She had seen the couple dancing, and noticed how happy they looked together. Of course they didn't show it too obviously, but if you knew them well enough, you could easily tell.

She knew their relationship had been far from easy. She had been there when they had disputed during the Second Bloody Valentine War. She had been worried that their relationship would fall apart like hers.

She had felt sad and wondered whether it was because both relationships were between a Natural and a Coordinator. A relationship between a Natural and a Coordinator would never work? She had forcefully pushed the thought away. They were not only Natural-Coordinator couples in the world. There were many other couples like them who were doing just fine.

But she couldn't deny that a part of her had felt relieved at the thought. The thought that the reason Dearka and she had not been able to make it work wasn't her. That it was probably their genetics. She had known it wasn't true, and had to face it when Cagalli and Athrun had maintained their relationship after all.

Of course she had been happy for them, but couldn't have helped feeling envy. Why they could make it work, but Dearka and she couldn't?

Cagalli and Athrun had had times of separation, too. Not only during the Second Bloody Valentine War, but after it as well. Athrun had stayed in PLANT about a year as a military personnel assigned to the embassy of Orb. They had gone through not only conflicts but also a long-distance relationship just like Dearka and her. And yet their situations were so different. The couple seemed to have never had doubts like hers.

Was it because they no longer had parents unlike Dearka and her? The question had flitted across her mind. But she didn't want to think so. It would make her dislike her parents, which she hated. She loved them, no matter how angry she was at them. Besides, it wasn't like Cagalli and Athrun didn't have to face opposition or obstacles. In fact, their situation was much harder. Then, their families couldn't be the reason, right?

She sometimes wondered whether it would have been different if Dearka had not gone back to PLANT after the First Bloody Valentine War. If he had come to Orb with her. Then could they have had a better relationship?

She huffed at her own thought. It sounded like they had a relationship now. As she had told Kira, they didn't. At least she didn't say so. Sure, they slept together occasionally. But they weren't a couple.

Had they ever been? After the First Bloody Valentine War, they had been something more than just friends but less than a couple. And before it had become something more, he had decided to go back to PLANT, to ZAFT, instead of coming to Orb like most members of the Three Ships Alliance.

She had not asked him not to. She had known it was who he was and she couldn't change it. Like he couldn't change who she was. Besides, they could still keep in touch and perhaps form a more intimate relationship eventually, she had thought.

However, things had not worked out well. Soon they had found out their families weren't happy about their relationship, and it was much more difficult than they had thought to keep a long-distance relationship, let alone to form one. Although it had not been unusual for them to quarrel, it had started to feel like they were always arguing, over anything, everything. Then he had strongly objected to her taking a job as a photojournalist, insisting it was too dangerous. It had been the last straw.

She had snapped at him, "Dearka Elthman. You can't tell me what I should do with my life. I'm going to do what I want to do, and if you're unhappy about it, then fine. We're done. This is over. Whatever it is."

He had widened his eyes and stared at her for a while before saying angrily, "You really wanna end it?! Just like this? Fine, let's do it."

They had cut the connection. She didn't remember which of them had been faster. And they had never talked since then, until after the Second Bloody Valentine War.

To be honest, she had regretted several times that she had ended their growing relationship just like that. She had considered calling him, but always decided against it. _W_ _hat_ _'_ _s the point_ _? W_ _e_ _'_ _ll end up in the same place again anyway_ _,_ _won_ _'_ _t we_ _?_ she had told herself.

Would it have been different if they had had a more concrete relationship before they had separated in Orb and in PLANT? Like Cagalli and Athrun? Should she have asked him to come to Orb even if only a little while? Then—

"Miri? Are you okay?"

She snapped out of her memories, turning her face to look at the worried amethyst eyes, which reminded her of someone else's for a second.

She swallowed hard, smiling at Kira weakly. "Yeah...sorry. I spaced out."

She breathed deeply. The air was cool and refreshing, helping her clear her head.

"Anyway. Our families are not the only problem." She continued her explanation. She wanted to let it all out. She needed to. "There's more. Like I wanna live in Orb and he wanna live in PLANT. Then we can't have a future together, can we?"

She liked to be in PLANT. It reminded her of Heliopolis, her long-gone childhood home colony, and many happy memories there. It was certainly a nice place to visit and spend some time.

When it came to the place to live, however, she couldn't say PLANT was ideal. Most of PLANT citizens were Coordinators. Of course there were Natural citizens who had immigrated with their Coordinator family member, and it wasn't like they were persecuted by law.

But it was true that many Coordinator citizens saw their Natural neighbors as the burden: inferior people who had come from somewhere else to their country and stole their tax money. Well, it was also true that Natural citizens had more difficulty making a living and were more likely to live on welfare, though it wasn't necessarily because of their "inferiority." It could be because they were immigrants and not familiar with the PLANT society, or because of prejudice and discrimination against Naturals.

The PLANT government had put an effort into explaining that they needed Natural immigrants, mostly in order to solve the low birth rate problem. Natural immigrants provided labor power as a short-term solution, especially for menial jobs Coordinator citizens didn't want, and children as a long-term solution.

However, it wasn't easy to break down prejudice. Natural immigrants were still far from welcomed in the PLANT society.

It wasn't like Orb was a utopia. She knew that even in Orb, a neutral country openly accepting both Naturals and Coordinators, Coordinator citizens faced difficulties as a minority. She had not been aware of it before the First Bloody Valentine War, but now she could see it more clearly. Some Coordinators even hid their identity for fear of discrimination, of losing their job, friends, or lover.

But she thought Coordinators in Orb were in a better situation than Naturals in PLANT. Since Coordinators had generally higher abilities, they didn't have as much difficulty finding and keeping a job. To say the least, Coordinators in Orb were more appreciated and desired than Naturals in PLANT.

Well, it wasn't always a good thing. Contrary to popular belief, not all Coordinators had higher abilities than Naturals. In some cases, it was because their parents had decided to make them that way for some reason. In other cases, they had not been born exactly the way their parents had planned because of some problem during pregnancy. And many Coordinators with higher abilities still had weak points. They were often expected to excel in everything because they were Coordinators, and had to face ridicule or other people's disappointment when they couldn't better Naturals even if they did it well enough. She knew it was tough. But it wasn't like Naturals in PLANT were spared from ridicule and disappointment of other people.

Plus, it was a fact that the ratio of Coordinator citizens in Orb was higher than that of Natural citizens in PLANT. Coordinators in Orb were a bigger part of the society, and thus had a bigger influence and power.

She felt like Orb was a better place to live for Natural-Coordinator couples or families. Maybe it was because she was a Natural, and an Orb citizen. But even so, it was another fact that Orb had more mixed couples and families than PLANT, and a better support system.

And then there was also the problem concerning their children. She wanted to have children someday. She didn't care whether they were Naturals or Coordinators, or Half-Coordinators who were born to Natural-Coordinator couples without the genetic modification procedure but still inherited some modified genes from their Coordinator parent.

However, in PLANT, she had no choice but to make her child a Coordinator. Although it wasn't regulated by law, most hospitals and schools in PLANT were unwilling to accept Half-Coordinator children, let alone most Coordinator citizens. They saw Half-Coordinators as some kind of Natural rather than of Coordinator, partly because they usually didn't have as high abilities as Coordinators. The general opinion was that if Natural immigrants wanted to have Natural babies, they shouldn't come to PLANT in the first place, and PLANT citizens had no use for Natural babies. Statistically, only few Half-Coordinator children had ever been born or lived in PLANT. Almost all Half-Coordinators were born and lived in neutral countries like Orb.

She wasn't against making her child a Coordinator, but she didn't want to do it just because she had to. It made her feel like she was actually something inferior, something unwanted. She didn't want to feel like that every time she saw her child.

Furthermore, she loved Orb. Through the two wars, she had come to truly appreciate how important and precious a country where Naturals and Coordinators could coexist peacefully was. She was proud that Orb was one of those countries, possibly the most successful one. She was proud to be part of it. And she wanted to protect Orb, and her family and friends, if anything should happen.

But it was the same for Dearka. As much as she didn't want to leave Orb, he didn't want to leave PLANT. Then, how could they have a life together? How could they become family, have children? She couldn't find the solution. She couldn't see a future for them. She didn't want to get into a relationship with no future.

Perhaps she could have if she had been still a teenager who believed that they could eventually work something out and there was always a happy ending. But she was an adult now who knew that love couldn't conquer all. That loving each other wasn't enough to choose to have a life together.

 _O_ _r is it just I don_ _'_ _t love him enough_ _?_ she had wondered countless times. Dearka and she couldn't do what Cagalli and Athrun did simply because her love, or his love, wasn't enough? She didn't want to think about it. The thought made her hate herself. She didn't want to feel like that.

And she didn't want to hate him for making her feel like that. For putting her into this situation. For being a Coordinator. For not being able to leave his home country. For having made her fall in love with him.

"So...if I choose Dearka, my parents might cut me out of their lives. Or at least, I won't see them as much. Even if they accept him, I might have to move to PLANT to be with him. Then, it won't be much different. And if anything happens, I can't protect Orb and my family. Plus, I don't know if I can find a job in PLANT. Not to mention I don't really wanna have kids and spend the rest of my life here," she summarized her situation.

Then, quickly shooting a glance at Kira, she added, "No offense, but PLANT is kinda..."

"Yeah. It's not an easy place to live for a Natural. I know that much." He smiled reassuringly before heaving a sigh. "Lacus's been working hard on it. But it takes time."

"Yeah." She sighed as well. "It seems like if I pursue this relationship, I have to give up everything else. Or make him give up. I don't know if that's really what I want," she said, feeling defeated.

She was tired. She wanted to stop. She wanted to end all of this. That was why she had been trying to see and talk to Dearka as little as possible. If she kept avoiding and ignoring him, her feelings for him, or his feelings for her, might die down. She might be able to get over this, get over him, and move on. Then she probably could find someone else and be happy.

She just wanted to be happy. Like Cagalli and Athrun. Like Kira and Lacus.

She had been struggling to move on for years. She had tried other relationships, though not many. _M_ _uch_ _,_ _much less than the number of girls the jerk slept with, I'm sure_ _._ Some of the men she had dated had reminded her of Tolle. Some had of Dearka. The others had been different from either of them. She had liked all of them. Well, otherwise she wouldn't have dated them. With some of them, she had thought she was in love. One of them had made her hope she finally would be able to get over the violet-eyed blond. However, all of the relationships including that one had failed eventually.

She didn't believe in one true love. She once had. When she had still been a young naive girl. Before the war brutally had robbed her of her first love.

She occasionally wondered if her lack of determination to pursue the relationship with Dearka had something, if only a little, to do with Tolle. Was she still hurt? Was she scared to lose Dearka like Tolle? Or did she have some negative feelings toward Coordinators deep inside because one of them had killed Tolle?

Then, she would sigh every time. _I_ _t_ _'_ _s just pitiful_ _._ It seemed like she was always looking for a reason for her hesitation which wasn't herself. She couldn't help it. It was much easier than admitting she simply didn't know, or there might be something wrong with her.

But she didn't feel hesitation to get into a relationship with other men, even if he was a soldier. And she didn't hate Coordinators. Many of her friends were Coordinators, including the very man who had killed Tolle. She had already forgiven him. There was no reason for her to reject Dearka because of Tolle's death. Plus, she knew it would disappoint Tolle if she tried to push away her happiness because of him. She knew he would want her to be strong, and happy.

 _S_ _he_ wanted to be happy. There had to be someone she could love as much as Dearka. Someone who could make her feel as happy as he did. It was just impossible there was only one person you could be happy with. She didn't believe in something like that, something like a fairy tale. She was too old for it.

And she had thought she had to act like an adult which she was. She had to be strong and do the right thing. She had to take an action instead of simply waiting. Waiting for their feelings to go away.

Therefore, she had told Dearka they had to stop what they had been doing. It had been rather a spur of the moment. She had not planned it before she had seen him. But she had been thinking about it for a while since she had reached the conclusion that her relationships had failed because Dearka and she had been...friends with benefits.

The first time they had slept together was a few weeks after the final battle of the Second Bloody Valentine War. She had been in PLANT with the rest of the Archangel crew. They had accidentally bumped into Dearka, and some of the crew had invited him to the warship to join their party, which wasn't appropriate to have on board a warship. But Murrue, knowing the crew's need to loosen up after the stress of war, had overlooked it.

Dearka had followed her when she had retired to her room. She had tried to chase him away at first, but eventually agreed to talk for a bit. _A_ _little talking won_ _'_ _t hurt, right_ _?_

She had been drunk. He had been drunk. And waking up the next morning, she had found herself in the same bed with him, both naked. Not really knowing what to do or say, they had pretended nothing had happened.

The second time was when she had come to PLANT accompanying Kira who was going to become a White Coat in ZAFT and excited to see Lacus after a while, which made her feel somewhat wistful. She had been planning to leave the military after the mission of escorting him to PLANT, though she would still be registered as a reservist. Athrun had been with them as well. Unlike Miriallia and the rest of the Archangel crew, he had come to stay in the country for a while.

She remembered she had been wondering whether Cagalli and Athrun's relationship would be all right when they had to live far away from each other. It had led her thoughts to her own relationship with Dearka. And by a strange coincidence, she had run into Dearka while thinking about it. They had talked and gone to a bar together, then to his room.

Unlike the first time, she had consciously chosen to spend a night with him. The reconciliation between Cagalli and Athrun had given her some hope that Dearka and she might be able to make it work as well. They must have become maturer, and different. She had hoped that then, their situation would also be different.

Although they had not decided to officially become a couple, they had kept in touch for a while after that. She had visited him in PLANT a few times. He had come to Orb once. They had had some good time. But then, there had been another huge argument mostly because of their different views of the future. She had told him she wouldn't call him again.

She hadn't, until he had called her several months later. By then, she had met a man at work, and started dating with him. She had not been able to believe there was a future for Dearka and her. So she had wanted to pursue the relationship, and told Dearka so. He had cut the connection without saying anything.

But the relationship had not lasted long. And the next time she had met Dearka, they somehow had ended up sleeping together again. And the next time after that, too. Thus their "relationship" had started.

She had never slept with Dearka while in a relationship with someone else. She didn't cheat. But she had to admit that she had ended some of the relationships a little before the day she had expected to see the blond. And she had always ended up sleeping with him after those break-ups.

She had not done it intentionally. She had not even realized it until recently. Or maybe she just had been turning a blind eye to it. Either way, now she was aware of it and knew it wasn't good. If she really wanted to move on and be happy, she had to let him go completely. They couldn't continue like this: not exactly a couple, but not mere friends, either. And she had told him so. She believed she had done the right thing. For herself, and for him.

However, she somehow couldn't feel good. She had expected she would feel at least relieved after breaking it off with him. But all she felt right now was exhaustion. She felt empty.

A lone tear slid down her cheek.

Kira gently pulled her to him, caressing her shoulder. She put her head on his shoulder. While she was finding comfort in his warmth, a small part of her couldn't help but wish it had been Dearka that was holding her.

* * *

Looking around, Dearka sighed. He didn't know what he was doing. Well, he knew he was looking for Miriallia. But he didn't know what he should do if he found her. Or what he _wanted_ to do. Yet he couldn't stop looking.

Another sigh escaped his lips.

"Can you stop it already!" An annoyed, even angry, voice came.

"Huh?" He turned his face to look at Yzak who was gritting his teeth and glaring at him. "What did you say?"

"Just stop it," the silver-head hissed.

"Stop what?"

"Whatever you are doing right now. You are useless, and even more annoying. If you want to go and find that woman, just go."

He scratched his head with frustration. "The problem is, I don't know if I really wanna find her."

Yzak said scornfully, "You don't know what you want? What are you? A two-year-old? No, even a two-year-old knows what he wants."

He only sighed without replying. He didn't feel like arguing with Yzak right now.

The blue-eyed man frowned. Silence fell between them. _W_ _ell_ _, I_ _don_ _'_ _t mind_ this _silence_ _,_ Dearka thought sarcastically, his eyes wandering again.

After a while, it was Yzak that gave a sigh this time. Fidgeting and fixing his eyes somewhere else, he asked, "What do you mean by that?"

"What?" Dearka looked at the silver-head out of the corner of his eyes.

Yzak's cheeks twitched with annoyance, but he clarified his question. "What do you mean you don't know what you want?"

He raised his eyebrows inquiringly. "What happened to 'Don't drag me into your love life'?"

Yzak glared. "Just answer me."

He hesitated. As much as Yzak wasn't used to listening to other people's problems and giving advice, he wasn't used to asking for advice, serious one anyway.

But he probably needed one. Even if it was from Yzak. Not that he expected his silver-haired friend to give a useful advice. He probably knew more than anyone how poor Yzak was at this kind of subject. But he was desperate enough.

He sighed. _H_ _ere goes nothing_ _._ "Just that. I don't know what I wanna do. I mean...I wanna talk to her, sure. But she'll probably say she wanna break it off with me again, and I don't wanna hear it again."

"What did you do to make her say she is done with you?"

Offended, he replied, "Why are you assuming it's my fault?"

"What else?" Yzak said confidently.

He made a face. "I've done nothing. It's just...we kinda have a disagreement."

Yzak cocked an eyebrow inquiringly.

"She thinks there's no point in our relationship. Since what we want for the future's different."

"Like what?"

"Like where to live? I don't wanna leave PLANT, and she doesn't wanna leave Orb." He lifted his shoulder glumly. "And there's also this old problem called parental opposition."

Yzak put a thoughtful look on his face. He knew Dearka's parents didn't have a good opinion of Naturals. Dearka's father had supported Patrick Zala, after all. _T_ _hough my old man's no_ _t as crazy as_ _A_ _thrun_ _'_ _s_ _._

Thinking of his father, Dearka knitted his eyebrows. It was true that his father didn't hate Naturals as much as Athrun's father had. Or at least, he had not tried to exterminate them. But he still disliked his son becoming friends with Naturals, let alone being in a relationship with a Natural.

Dearka had never been an obedient son. He would never choose his date or girlfriend, or wife, to satisfy his parents. However, it didn't mean he was completely fine with being disowned by them, which was highly likely to happen if he pursued a relationship with Miriallia.

They had nearly disowned him once already when it had become clear that he had been aboard a "Naturals' warship" and fought for it. His parents had forgiven him only because as much as they hated Naturals, they didn't completely agree with exterminating them or destroying the Earth, and his father had been convinced by Gilbert Dullindal that Dearka had fought to end the war, not to protect Naturals. But he knew his parents still doubted his loyalty to PLANT, to Coordinators.

When they had found out he had been in touch with a Natural girl, they had asked him if she was his girlfriend, which he denied since they had not been exactly dating, and he knew all too well that his parents wouldn't approve of their relationship. He had not known if Miriallia and he would be able to make it work, or even to have a real relationship someday. He had not wanted to risk his relationship with his parents for the sake of something so uncertain, especially right after they had finally forgiven him and allowed him to visit their house, which they had refused for a while.

He had told them she was a friend, and since the war had ended, Coordinators and Naturals should try to be friendly to each other. He had added, for he had known it would make them tolerate his "friendship" though reluctantly, that he didn't want to experience a war and loss of his friends and comrades again. He had hoped that as peace continued, their attitude toward Naturals would become less aggressive, and they would at least try to accept his relationship with Miriallia when it became more concrete and he introduced her to them.

However, neither had happened so far. Miriallia and he still didn't have a concrete relationship. His parents still hated Naturals, and were far from fine with their son's friendship with Naturals. They ignored the fact Dearka had Natural friends rather than accepted it. They had shown no sign of change, and he was sure he would lose his parents if he chose Miriallia.

At least, Athrun didn't have to worry about it. _T_ _he good thing about dead parents is you don_ _'_ _t have to care about their opinion anymore_ _,_ he thought acidly. Not that he wanted his parents dead. But every time he thought about their intolerance of Naturals or Coordinator-Natural couples, he felt angry. Sure, he had once shared their opinion. But he was a changed man now. Couldn't they just do the same? Did they really have to be that bigoted?

But then again, the real problem might not be his parents. The real difference between his situation and Athrun's might not be whether their parents were alive or not. Because Athrun might still have chosen Cagalli even if his father had been alive and strongly disapproved of their relationship. Dearka thought it was very likely.

It brought his mind back to his decision to return to PLANT after the First Bloody Valentine War. He sometimes wondered whether he would have chosen to go to Orb if Miriallia had asked him to. But she hadn't. And he couldn't really say he would have if she had. He probably wouldn't have.

He secretly envied Athrun because he seemed to have had no hesitation to choose the woman he loved over his home country. After the First Bloody Valentine War, it had not been entirely Athrun's choice. The Supreme Council had preferred him to be somewhere else. But Dearka had suspected Athrun would have chosen to go to Orb anyway even if he had not been pressured by the Supreme Council. Like he had after the Second Bloody Valentine War.

Granted, Athrun wasn't allowed to join ZAFT again after two defections, but he still could return to PLANT. Since Lacus had been welcomed to the Supreme Council, it wasn't difficult for him to come back as well if he wanted to. Yet he had chosen not to. Dearka had not been surprised. He had seen first-hand the attraction between his comrade and the blonde tomboy, and the affection Athrun had displayed, much to his surprise and amusement, toward her during the First Bloody Valentine War.

Actually, he had been more surprised when he had heard about Athrun rejoining ZAFT in the beginning of the Second Bloody Valentine War. Although he had witnessed Yzak demanding the blue-head come back to PLANT and ZAFT, he had not thought Athrun really would do it. Dearka still didn't know exactly why he had done it or how the couple had dealt with it. But the next time he had met his green-eyed friend face-to-face, Athrun had worn Orb's military uniform, and, answering Yzak's question, calmly said that he would stay in Orb. Dearka had admired the determination in his eyes and felt a pang of envy.

He envied Athrun also because he seemed to be so sure of what he wanted, whom he wanted. Athrun had as many admirers as Dearka did, or maybe more. He could choose any woman; he could choose a relationship much less complicated and much easier. And yet, he had chosen Cagalli and seemed to have never considered other possibilities. Athrun looked pretty content with his choice, not feeling the slightest need to even try another relationship. And Cagalli was just the same.

If Dearka had been as loyal and determined as they were, or at least more like them, could the situation have been different?

He sighed again. He couldn't remember how many sighs he had given over the last thirty minutes. Not that he cared.

"It's not like I can just give up everything here and go to Orb...like Athrun." He shook his head.

The thoughtful look on Yzak's face deepened. After a moment of silence, the silver-head said slowly, "When I learned both you and Athrun had fallen for Natural girls, I thought, if either of you ever could make it work, it would be you."

"Really?" He looked at Yzak curiously.

"You seemed better at things like this. Dating and relationship stuff. You clearly had more experiences than Athrun...and you two have fewer obstacles than they do."

"Well, fewer obstacles don't mean an easy relationship." After a pause, he added, "And maybe, just maybe, having more obstacles can be an advantage sometimes. Some people say, the more obstacles you have, the stronger your love becomes, right?" He laughed mirthlessly. "Though it doesn't seem to be working that way in me and Miri's case."

His best friend said nothing, carefully studying him.

Averting his eyes, Dearka released a long sigh. "Maybe I just wanna believe the difference between me and Athrun, between us and them, is only the amount of obstacles..."

It certainly made him feel better if he could believe that. Instead of thinking the real difference might be the amount of love. As much as he wanted to believe it, however, he couldn't. He couldn't imagine Miriallia and him having a better relationship simply because they had more obstacles. If anything, wouldn't the situation have been worse?

He gazed through the crowd. Miriallia was still nowhere to be seen.

Yzak stopped a waiter passing by, and ordered him to get a glass of sparkling water with lemon for him. He didn't drink alcohol since he was working.

Dearka took a glass of wine from a tray the waiter was holding. He felt like he needed alcohol. Yzak raised his eyebrows disapprovingly, but didn't say anything.

The waiter left to meet Yzak's order.

Leaning against the wall, he took a huge gulp of wine. "The truth is...not that I can't give up everything else. It's more like I don't want to. Or at least, I'm not sure if I really want to," he said without looking at Yzak.

"Would you go to Orb if it were you?" he asked, though he already knew the answer.

"I wouldn't give up my country for a woman. I told you I'm different from you." Yzak's answer somehow made him half-relieved, half-disappointed.

"Maybe we're not _that_ different. Probably that's the problem."

As Yzak wouldn't leave PLANT for a woman, Dearka couldn't do it for Miriallia. He didn't want to go to Orb. Well, he didn't really mind living there for a while. He had visited the country several times, and liked it. He could go there as a ZAFT soldier since PLANT and Orb maintained an amicable relationship and kept some of their soldiers stationed in the other country.

But then, what? It wouldn't be easy to stay in Orb for the rest of his career. Not impossible, yes. But he wouldn't be able to advance in rank. Not that he cared about it very much. But he cared about not being able to work with Yzak and his other teammates.

He had never said it to anyone, and never would, but he respected Yzak. Despite his short temper, Yzak was a good commander. He cared about his subordinates and took care of them; his subordinates were afraid of him, but respected him and were loyal to him. That was why the Joule team was one of the best teams in ZAFT. And he was pretty devoted to his job, protecting PLANT. His dedication and determination were admirable.

Dearka was proud of being his right hand. He was proud that he could provide Yzak with what he lacked and be of big help to him. He also liked his other teammates and enjoyed working with them. It was hard to leave them.

Not that they couldn't take care of themselves without him. Or he _couldn_ _'_ _t_ give up working with them. But he wanted to keep his current position if possible. He was reluctant to leave it in order to pursue a relationship which he wasn't sure would work out.

Plus, he possibly wouldn't be able to protect PLANT if it was attacked while he was in Orb. He might have to just helplessly watch his home country destroyed and his comrades killed. He didn't know if he could stand it. He didn't really want to live in a foreign country, even if it was the home country of the woman he loved.

Well, considering that relationships between PLANT and other countries had been peaceful enough for years, he probably didn't have to worry about it. However, even if he lived in Orb for some time, he still wanted to come back to PLANT eventually. But would _she_ want it?

Maybe he would change his mind after spending several years in Orb. Maybe she would change her mind and agree to come to PLANT with him. But they were only possibilities. If neither could change their mind, they would only end up getting hurt much more than now. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to risk it.

It seemed like it was best for both of them if they just stayed, or went back to, friends. But he didn't know if he really wanted _that_. If he really wanted to let her go. If he _could_.

It was that unsureness which had made him sleep with her. She believed both of them had been too drunk to grasp what they were doing. But it wasn't true. He had known what he was doing, and done exactly what he had wanted to do: to have sex with her.

He had thought it might change their situation, change his mind, or her mind. He had thought it might help him get over her. It was said that if you couldn't get her, you would want her more, right? That was how playing hard to get worked. So he had thought—hoped that if he slept with her once, he wouldn't want her as badly. But it had not worked. If anything, he had wanted her more since.

 _B_ _ut not enough_ _._ Not enough to leave his country, his friends and comrades, and his family in pursuit of her. Not enough to give up everything else for her.

He let out another sigh. Why was this so complicated?

Usually, he didn't want to think about it. About her. He flirted with women at every opportunity he could find and fooled around, hoping to forget about her even only for a short time. To find a woman who could make him get over her. But such woman had not yet made an appearance. And the second Miriallia showed up before him again, all he could think about was how to talk her into sleeping with him.

He had tried not only flings but also more serious relationships, especially after she had told him about her dating with someone else. Partly as a way to get back at her. Partly as a desperate attempt to forget about her. It wasn't hard for him to find a woman he was attracted to in some way and who was attracted to him.

But they had not gone well. He had trouble committing to a relationship. All his girlfriends had accused him of not being serious about their relationship, and all his relationships had been short-lived. After successive failures, he had given up.

He thought it was pathetic that the longest and the most successful relationship he had ever had was the one with Miriallia, which was probably a total failure in other people's opinion. But with her, it was easier to commit. Or to be exact, he was more eager to do it.

Even though he had denied it, what Yzak had said earlier was right. Miriallia was special to him. She had succeeded at something other women he had dated or slept with had not been able to. She had changed him. In several ways.

She was the first Natural he had seen as a person. Her sadness, her anger, her pain, her desperation, her bravery, her compassion, her strength, her determination. She had shown him that Naturals weren't so different from Coordinators. She had made him doubt for the first time, and discard eventually, his belief that Naturals were weaker and dumber; Naturals were a worthless creature and Coordinators were better off without them.

She had also changed his perspective on relationships, though not as drastically. Although he had been in relationships before he had met her, she was the first woman, and the only one so far, who had made him think about the possibility of marriage.

He wasn't the marrying type. It wasn't like he hated getting married. But he wasn't eager to do it, either. Unlike Yzak, he didn't see marriage, and having children, as some kind of duty, something you had to do whether you liked it or not. He would get married if he wanted to. If he found a woman he wanted to marry. Otherwise he would rather remain unmarried. And he had never considered marriage until he had met Miriallia. She had made him want to get married for the first time.

But it didn't mean he needed to. He didn't need marriage or children. To him, they were an option in life, not an essential part. If he would come to feel like doing it or the woman he loved wanted to, he didn't mind taking the option. But if he never did it, he was just as fine.

So he had been somewhat content with his noncommittal relationship with Miriallia. He had wished it could be something more and they could spend more time together. But he still could have some fun with her, and it was better than nothing. It was good enough for him.

Therefore, he didn't agree with her about ending it. Even though he wasn't totally happy about it, he wouldn't mind continuing it, even if they would stay like this for the rest of their lives.

However, he knew Miriallia was different from him. She wanted to get married and have children. She didn't want to just keep sleeping together.

He had been hoping that this relationship would eventually make the situation better. That it would help him or her change the mind. That it would result in a real relationship. But it hadn't. And she was suffering because of their relationship, because of him.

Her eyes earlier flashed in his mind. Her teal eyes, hurt, sad, and desperate. If he really loved her, shouldn't he let her go? So that she could become happy?

Yes, Miriallia was a special woman to him. But it didn't mean she was the only woman for him. She wasn't the only one he had fallen in love with. Even though it wasn't as strong as with her, he had been in love with other girls.

Before meeting her, he had thought there might be no woman who could make him want to marry her. But he had been wrong. There was one. Then, he probably could find another woman as special to him as Miriallia was. Someone he could love as much as her, or even more. And maybe he needed to let her go to move on and find that woman.

There should be someone else for him. If there was only one person meant for him, and Miriallia was the one, then he could give up everything else for her, right? He must have already done it. But he hadn't.

Miriallia also had made him realize how much it meant to him to be a ZAFT soldier, to fight for PLANT. And how much he didn't want to lose his parents from his life.

He had never regretted his decision to protect the Archangel, to fight along with her and the others in the Three Ships Alliance. He believed he had made the right decision. Not just because he had not wanted her to die. But also because he believed in peace between Coordinators and Naturals and cherished it.

However, it had been hard to fight against his comrades, against ZAFT and PLANT. He had wanted to fight for them, not against them. During the time, he had been rather angry at his home country. If PLANT had made the right decision, if it had not chosen to fight against Naturals until either race became extinct, he wouldn't have had to fight against it.

That was why Dearka still had a bitter feeling toward Athrun's father, though he wouldn't tell his blue-haired friend that. The man was the major reason why he had had to fight against his home country and comrades.

But it had been the past. Now, PLANT had chosen to work for peace between two races and ZAFT fought for protecting the peace or PLANT. He could do what he wanted to do, what he believed was the right thing as a ZAFT soldier, together with his comrades. He was happy about it, and wanted to keep doing it.

And after the First Bloody Valentine War, he had had to face the consequence of his decision, the reaction of his parents. He had not really thought about them when he had chosen to fight against PLANT. He had been more concerned about Yzak and his other comrades. After all, they were the people he had had to fight directly against, not his parents. His parents had been in PLANT as civilians and there had been no possibility he had to shoot them.

He had known his parents would be upset about his "betrayal." But he had not expected that they even went to the extent of threatening to disown him. That the idea disturbed him this much.

He might have never realized how much he didn't want to lose what he had if he had not met Miriallia and chosen to fight along with her, against everything else that mattered to him. But now, he was aware of it. And he was hesitant to risk all of them again.

The waiter came back with Yzak's order and handed it to him. Before he left, Dearka put an empty glass on his tray, picking up another glass of wine.

As he took a sip from his glass, his eyes fell on a woman. Her gown was the same color as Miriallia's: pinkish purple. But her hair was bright orange, not light brown.

He sighed, yet again. _B_ _ut why's it so hard to give her up_ _? W_ _hy does it feel so wrong_ _?_

As if he had sensed what Dearka had been thinking about, Yzak said, "If you are so hesitant to pursue that woman, then, she may be right."

"Huh?" He turned his eyes to the silver-head.

"Maybe you both are better off without each other."

After a moment, he said quietly, "Honestly, I sometimes think so, too."

"Then why don't you just accept what she said and break it off?"

"Because I don't want to?"

"Then do something. _A_ _nything_. For stars' sake. Just moping here doesn't change a thing." Yzak stared at him in annoyance. He stared back at the ice-blue eyes with mild surprise.

"I told you, you make things complicated. If you don't want to lose it, then get it back. If you don't want to try to get it back, then let it go."

He tousled his hair, looking up at the ceiling. "...Maybe you're right." Even though he didn't know what he should do or wanted to do, he knew he didn't want to lose her. Not yet, at least. Then, he probably should do something to get her back.

And probably that was what he had wanted to do. Probably he had needed someone to encourage him to do it.

Besides, he always preferred taking action to standing still.

Sucking in a deep breath, he pushed himself off the wall. After taking a few steps in the direction Miriallia had left, he looked back over his shoulder. "Hey, Yzak." He flashed a smile at the silver-head. "Thanks."

His friend just huffed with a scowl.

* * *

Inhaling and exhaling deeply, Miriallia pulled out a handkerchief to wipe her eyes and cheek gently. Then she pulled away to look at Kira's face, putting on the best smile she could manage.

"I heard, a long time ago, they had only non-waterproof cosmetics, and had to fix their make-up after crying. It's a good thing we don't have that problem anymore," she said as lightly as possible.

He smiled warmly. "I suppose so." He gave a soft pat to her shoulder before removing his hand.

"Thanks for listening, Kira. I feel a lot better now. I needed to talk to someone. But it's not what I can tell anyone, you know." She gave him an embarrassed look. "And sorry. I'm a mess."

He shook his head with a gentle smile. "You don't need to apologize. Everyone has a hard time. And friends help each other, right?"

"Right." She smiled back, grateful for having a friend like him.

Her back against the railing, she turned her eyes to the glass doors. She gazed through them at the people chatting, smiling, and dancing. Her thoughts wandered to a certain dark-skinned blond who must be among the crowd.

"I kinda ran away from him," she whispered almost unconsciously, wondering whether he was looking for her. She didn't know which she preferred.

She didn't expect a reply, and was startled when Kira asked quietly, "Are you not gonna talk to him?"

She stared at him in surprise. He added sheepishly, "I know it's not my place to meddle. And I'm not saying you should get back with him. But..." He hesitated for a few moments. "Won't you regret not talking to him if anything happens to either of you?"

He shifted his eyes to the garden, but he looked like he was looking at something else, something far, far away.

"It's important we think about the future and work for it. But...it doesn't mean tomorrow's guaranteed for all of us. It doesn't mean we can always talk again." He paused before looking back at her with a somewhat melancholic smile. "At least, that's what I learned during the war."

She sensed what he was thinking about, or _whom_ he was thinking about.

"Do you...still think about Fllay?"

"Sometimes." He silently looked at her. She knew what he was asking.

"Yeah, I think about him, too...sometimes."

Talking about them with Kira, she remembered a question she had wanted to ask him for years. And now seemed like a good opportunity.

"Weren't you...afraid when you decided to come to PLANT? I mean, you love your parents and Cagalli, but you have to live far away from them and you can't protect them if anything happens. I know you love Lacus a lot and wanna protect her. But still..." She knew Kira had a strong desire to protect people close to him. After all, that was the reason he had started to fight as a soldier in the first place: to protect his friends, including her.

"Well, I was. Actually, I still am. Sometimes I worry about them. But I trust Athrun. I trust him with Cagalli and Orb. I know he'll do his best to protect them. And it helps."

She sighed. "I wish I can say the same."

"It's different, Miri. Athrun's my family, practically my brother. Besides, I'm not sure me and Lacus will live in PLANT forever."

"Really? Are you going back to Orb?"

"We don't know yet. But she'll resign from her position in several years, perhaps. After that, we might. She loves living on Earth. And she loves living close to family. We both do."

He gave her a soft smile, adding, "So I understand you. Family's important. I understand how you wanna be close to your family. If I were you, I'd be hesitant, too."

His words made her feel somewhat relieved. Probably it was what she had wanted to hear. Probably it was why she had told him about her problems. Probably she had wanted to be assured that what she had been feeling was natural. That nothing was wrong with her.

She nodded with an appreciative smile.

He smiled back, and glanced at the ballroom. "I guess it's time for me to go back inside." He paused. "Are you coming with me? Lacus'll be delighted to see you...though she may be with Cagalli and Athrun."

"I'm fine, Kira. It's not like I don't like them."

"I know," he said with a comforting smile, "But it's okay if you don't wanna see them now. There's nothing wrong with it."

She smiled at her friend thankfully. "It's fine. Really. I wanna see them. It's been long." Her smile changed into a mischievous one. "Besides, my boss may give me an extra paycheck if I get an interview with the Chief Representative and the Chairwoman."

"I thought you're a photographer?" he asked jokingly.

"It doesn't mean I can't get an interview."

"Well, I'm sure they're happy to help you." Laughing lightly, he offered his arm to her.

Giggling, she linked her arm through his. "You've become quite a polished man, yeah? Thanks to Lacus."

"Guess so." He blushed a little.

"Hey, by the way, why were you here? Not with Lacus?"

"Uhh...I was...feeling tired a little. And...I needed some alone time." She tilted her head at his stumbled words, but let it pass.

They went inside, looking around to spot the pinkette, the blonde, or the blunet. However, before they could find any of them, someone called out. "Miriallia."

She froze. She didn't need to look to know who it was.

Kira looked in the direction of the voice, then back at her with concerned eyes.

She took a deep breath before turning around to face Dearka. He wore a serious face, which was rather rare.

A part of her wanted to run up to him, hug him tight, and hold him forever. Another part of her wanted to run away from him and never see him again. Both feelings were true, and equally strong.

"Can we talk?" he asked in a slightly nervous tone.

She hesitated, but a glance at Kira reminded her of what he had said. He had been right. As much as she wanted to avoid talking with Dearka, she knew she would terribly regret if anything happened and they never had a chance to talk properly again.

She briefly closed her eyes before turning her face to the brunet. "Sorry, Kira."

"It's okay, Miri. We can talk later."

Throwing an encouraging smile at both of them, Kira left.

She turned to Dearka, folding her arms over her chest. Before she could say anything, he spoke up, "I think it's better we talk somewhere else."

She glanced around at the crowd and nodded.

"Ah...do you wanna go out in the garden?"

"Fine."

He looked uncomfortable at her short answer. But this time, she didn't intentionally keep her answer brief. She was just nervous, and didn't really know what to say. But she was going to talk with him. She wasn't planning to apply the same strategy.

After all, she didn't like silence. She preferred talking to keeping quiet. She preferred saying what she felt and thought to keeping it to herself. That was one of the similarities Dearka and she shared.

During their previous conversation, she had needed all her strength to keep her part as little as possible. It had nearly pushed her to the limit. Hopefully, she wouldn't be as upset this time if she talked as much as she wanted.

She didn't know whether what she was doing was wise. Avoiding him and keeping silence might be a better way to end their vague relationship. However, it wasn't her way of dealing with the situation. It suffocated her. Wise or not, she had to do it in a different way.

He started to walk in the direction of the entrance. She followed him, determined to tell him what she needed to, and make him say what he needed to. Perhaps they both needed to let it all out to end this. To end what existed between them, whatever it was.

* * *

 **A/N** : All right. This is the heaviest chapter. No fluff. Not much humor. But Dearka and Miriallia will have their intimate moment in the final chapter.

This chapter is the heaviest partly because I tried to make their relationship realistic. Compared to the other couples, they seem to be more suited for having a realistic, complicated relationship.

Another reason is, well...frankly, of all GS/GSD couples, this couple is the hardest for me to imagine a future together. Probably because not much about their relationship was revealed in the series.

To be honest, I had not given serious thought to them until I started to work on this fic. But after I did, I thought it's probably difficult for them to have a life together.

As far as I know, Dearka is the only one in the Three Ships Alliance (except those from Orb) that went back to their home country after the war, let alone its military. It should count for something. He probably doesn't want to leave PLANT and move to Orb.

And Miriallia isn't the kind of girl who gives up everything else just to be with her boyfriend. Besides, as I described in the story, it seems to me to be more difficult for her to live in PLANT than it is for Dearka to live in Orb.

It's not impossible to make it work. But they have to be really determined and dedicated to the relationship. And it seems like they are not. At least, not yet.

So I made their relationship like this.

Anyway, the next chapter will be the final and every couple has their own part. See you next week.

···

Some of you may have thought Kira's explanation about why he doesn't worry much about his family in Orb doesn't make sense since in this fic, Athrun came to PLANT to stay there at the same time with Kira.

There's more to the story.

Kira wasn't really worried about his family when he came to PLANT. Well, he was, to some extent. But it wasn't like Orb was under threat of attack or something. And he was more worried about Lacus since they had been fighting against PLANT until recently. So he was rather fine with living far away from his family.

About one year later, however, there was a terrorist attack in the Orb's capital. He got worried, realizing he can't do much to protect his family while in PLANT.

But then, Athrun was called back to Orb because many people in the government and the military were worried about another terrorist attack and thought Athrun would be of more use in Orb. It eased Kira's worry.

Kira just gave a short version to Miriallia.

Actually, I considered including this in the story, but it felt like digressing. So I decided to omit it. I hope it didn't confuse you.

* * *

 ***posted 04** **/25** **/16***


	5. My Grass Is Green

English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).

 **Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.**

* * *

 **Grass on My Side**

FINAL PHASE: My Grass Is Green

* * *

Miriallia took a sip from a glass of wine she had snatched from a waitress on the way to the garden, wondering if she should have collected her coat and camera so that she could leave as soon as they finished the conversation. She might be going to be upset, and in that case, she preferred to have to see no one and leave as quickly as she could. Kira and the others would be disappointed if she left without saying anything, but they would understand.

 _Well,_ _it_ _'_ _s too late anyway_ _._ They were already out in the garden, heading farther from the building. She wondered if they needed to since she could see or hear no one around. But she might be mistaken and there might be someone close enough to them to hear their conversation. Considering Coordinators' enhanced hearing and soldiers' stealth ability, she concluded it was best to let Dearka decide where to talk. Being a Coordinator soldier and part of the security team, he surely knew a place safe from being overheard.

Passing garden lights one after another, she tried not to remember what she had thought concerning them, which might agitate her again.

They kept walking a little more before he finally stopped and turned around. They were standing by a small lake. Only few garden lights were around, but it was bright enough for her to see his face, serious and a little uncertain.

She folded her arms in front of her again, careful not to spill wine on her gown. "So, what's it that you wanted to tell me?"

"Do you really wanna end it?"

She raised an eyebrow. "What makes you think I wasn't serious?"

He sighed. "Cut it out, Miri. I know you still like me, and you don't really wanna break up with me."

"Well, then, sorry for disappointing you, but I want out. Really."

"Because you don't know if we can make it work?"

After a brief silence, she quietly said, "Yes." Then she added, "And I'm not sure if I wanna still be with you even if I have to give up everything else."

He fell silent, as if wondering what to say, or how to say what he wanted to say.

She asked, "Can you say you're sure? Can you say you really want this? Want us?"

"To be honest, I don't know."

"Don't you think it's best for both of us? Just breaking it off? Then...then, maybe we can find someone else."

"Maybe."

She threw her free hand in the air, frustrated. "Then why are you doing this? What do you want?"

"What do I want?" he repeated, his eyes boring into hers.

She stared back into the darkened violet eyes, as if in a trance, and before she could notice it, he was already right in front of her, their bodies almost touching.

She widened her eyes as he pulled her toward him, crushing her body into his. Her glass fell to the ground, making a clinking sound and possibly breaking. But neither paid attention to it. "Dea—" Her voice was muffled by his mouth.

His lips were warm—hot—feverish. Familiar and intoxicating—addicting. His warm body was like a shield against cool air. Hard, yet comfortable and inviting—tempting.

Her eyes fluttered shut. She felt the urge to give in. But she willed herself to push him away.

He didn't let go of her body, but released her lips.

"Stop it, Dearka. What's the point of doing this? Do you really think this'll be something more?"

"Don't know." He sighed into her ear. His breath was hot, igniting a fire deep inside her. She quietly gasped. "But still...I don't wanna let you go yet."

He straightened a little to look at her eyes.

"And now, now I want you. Isn't it enough?"

At a loss for words, she gazed into his eyes. Eyes filled with lust, passion…and love. She knew her eyes mirrored his, whether she liked it or not. But was it enough?

His serious look suddenly broke into a grin. "And this is fun, right?" He nibbled her earlobe, and she couldn't help a shiver. She glared at him, but he was unfazed. "There's nothing wrong with having fun. Don't ya agree, miss?" He winked at her seductively.

She narrowed her eyes at the blond, feeling like strangling him, but then burst into laughter. It was so like him. Attractively cocky. Annoyingly charming. Disgustedly sexy.

And he was right. For once. This was fun. _H_ _e_ was fun. She couldn't deny that she enjoyed being with him. A lot.

She didn't know what this would result in, what would await them in the future. Tomorrow, they would go back to their own places. To different countries. To different lives. Only Haumea knew when their paths would cross again, whether they would become one someday. They might never be going to. This night might be going to turn out to be a mistake. They might be going to repeat the same mistake again and again.

But now, even if only for one night, she wanted to forget about everything else. About the future and the past. She wanted to stop thinking and worrying. She wanted to bask in the sense of happiness he gave her. She wanted him.

Smiling against her skin, he nuzzled and sucked her neck. She let out a half-giggle, half-moan. _N_ _ow_ _,_ _for now_ _, I'_ _m happy_ _._ Even if it was short-lived, she had what she wanted. She no longer felt empty. She was filled with emotions, feelings, and desire.

Feeling utterly contented, she held his face in her hands, causing him to look at her face, and kissed him passionately, which he reciprocated after a short surprised pause. She was determined to enjoy this night, the time they were together, to the fullest.

* * *

Leaving the ballroom, Yzak walked to a nearby room where he could make a call. He had told Dearka to take action instead of brooding and doing nothing like a fool, and he had decided to do it himself. He was going to call his wife. She should have been at home already, but not in bed yet.

His wife wasn't his lover, or his friend. She wasn't even his family. Not exactly. Not yet. Probably she was more of a comrade to him, not only at work but also in private. They fought together to protect PLANT and lives of its citizens, and to provide a safe, happy life for their child.

She was someone he could trust. He trusted she would give him her support when he needed it, be loyal to him, be willing to cooperate in raising their child, and put an effort to make this marriage work.

He was willing to do the same for her. He was sure she knew it and trusted him, too.

And that was what he needed. A stable relationship based on trust and respect. He didn't need romantic love and the troubles it caused. He was content with his marriage.

But perhaps, they could be something a little more than they were now. Not like his friends and their girlfriends—or whatever they called themselves—were. But more like friends.

He didn't know how to give family love to her, how to become family with her. Family was something he had always had since his birth, not something he had acquired. Before his marriage, he had never chosen or tried to become someone's family. It was completely new to him.

But he had some idea how to become friends with someone. Even though he didn't have many friends, he still had acquired some. He had some experience.

So he had thought he would try to be friends with her, be friendly to her and show more concern for her. At least, it was easier than trying to show affection to her. After listening to the problems in Dearka's love life, he had reached the conclusion that it was absolutely impossible for him to imitate the purple-eyed man. He simply couldn't understand Dearka, or love and relationship stuff.

However, the conversation with Dearka also had made him realize that he at least knew how to act as a friend. He had offered to listen to Dearka because he cared, and had been worried, about his blond friend.

Becoming friends with Shiho first seemed to be a reasonable choice. And then, they might be able to become family from friends.

As he sat in front of a communication console, he hesitated, feeling a little nervous. But he wouldn't be able to go home tonight, and possibly for the next few days. It was probably better to start doing it now than to wait for a few days. _N_ _o time like the present_ , he told himself, inhaled deeply, and reached out to call his home.

It didn't take long for Shiho to answer the call. "Commander Joule? Did something happen there?" She had already changed into her sleeping clothes though he could tell she had not been sleeping.

"No. Everything is fine here. I just...wanted to check on you. If you got home safe...and if you are feeling well." He tried hard to keep his face and voice calm.

She looked amazed, but quickly regained her composure. "I'm fine. There is nothing to worry about. Thank you for your concern."

He nodded. "Good. Well, I got to go. Good night...Shiho." He had to force himself to say it. Although he had called her by her first name many times, it was the first time to do it when they were alone. But it was a necessary step to become friends with her.

She enlarged her eyes, gazing at him. He felt the urge to take back what he had just said, but fought it off.

Her eyes softened and her lips curled into a smile. "Good night, Yzak."

Relieved at her positive response, and lack of comments, he thanked stars that she was the woman he had married.

It seemed like his plan was working. Probably they could become friends, and perhaps family. Maybe, just maybe, he could say he loved her someday. To himself, of course.

* * *

Finding his wife, Kira stopped in hesitation. She wasn't alone, and the person she was talking with was neither Cagalli nor Athrun. He wondered briefly whether he could act normal enough to avoid prying questions.

Before he decided what to do, however, Lacus's eyes turned to him. And she smiled at him warmly. Seeing her smile usually filled him with happiness. But now, it wrenched his heart.

He couldn't help but remember her face when he had told her he didn't want to have their biological child. It had been several months ago. And it had been an accident.

Lacus had visited a school as part of her job. During her visit, a girl had told her she wished she had had pink hair like hers. After the dinner that night, they had been talking about their day in the living room.

She had mentioned the girl's words and said with a smile, "But I would rather like our child to have your hair."

He had been taken off guard, and blurted out, "I don't want kids."

There had been a stunned silence.

Realizing what he had just said, he had hastily added, "I didn't mean I don't wanna have kids. I do. But it...it doesn't have to be our biological kids, right? I mean...probably we can't make our own kid, and...if we adopt kids, they're still ours, so..."

Her eyes had been wide, full of shock and pain, and he had turned his eyes away, not able to look at them. It was rare for her to show her feelings so clearly. That fact alone proved how much his words had disturbed her.

Several moments later, she had recovered her composure and said, "You are right, Kira. It does not matter if they are our own or adopted." Even though her voice had been slightly shaking, she had sounded calm enough to make most people believe she was all right. But he wasn't most people. He was her husband, and he had been able to tell she was distraught.

But he had been able to do nothing except just nod, still not looking at her. He had been sure she was putting on a smile, and known that seeing it would break his heart and probably make him break down. The last thing he had wanted was to be consoled by her when he was the one who should be consoling her.

He had never meant to tell her like that. He had known he would have to tell her someday. But not like that. He would have chosen another way so that she wouldn't have been as shocked. Probably he should have told her before they got married. But it wasn't an easy thing to talk about, and he had been still hoping he could change his mind eventually.

However, his unwillingness to have a biological child had not lessened. And after the accidental revelation, he had had to realize that it probably would never go away. Even seeing Lacus in pain couldn't help him get over it. Then, probably nothing could.

He knew she wouldn't leave him no matter how much she wanted her own child. She would still love and accept him. He was glad and grateful for it, but it pained him at the same time. _W_ _hy do I have to do this to her_ _?_ He would give anything to get rid of these feelings and get over the past. But there seemed to be nothing he could do about it.

Lacus excused herself to walk up to him.

"Kira." Her melodious voice called out his name. Her dazzling eyes were focused only on him. Her tender smile was meant only for him. And she reached out her delicate hand to touch his cheek the way she did only with him.

Choked with emotion, he stepped forward and held her tight.

Talking with Miriallia, he had appreciated again how fortunate he was to have Lacus at his side, even after he had failed to give her what she wanted, even though he had been hurting her by his decision.

"I love you, Lacus. I really do. So much," he whispered in a shaky voice.

He felt the words were far from enough to describe his feelings. How glad he was that she was here, in his arms. How much it meant to him. How much _she_ meant to him.

Lacus softened her face, embracing him back gently and tightly.

Later the night of his revelation, she had woken up from her restless sleep to find his side empty. She had found him in the room where they kept some old stuff. He had been staring at a picture with sorrowful eyes, not noticing her presence. The picture of his biological mother holding him and his sister.

It had been then that she had understood his reason. She knew, probably more than anyone, his anguish over the way he had been created, his strong negative feelings toward his biological father and his experiment.

And she had realized, by intuition, that they would probably never be able to have their own child.

She was still struggling to accept it, with great pain. However, it had never affected her feelings for him. It had never swayed her determination to be with him, to spend a life with him.

"I know, Kira. I love you, too. More than anything," she whispered back with utmost sincerity.

She could live with not having her own child, but couldn't live without him…or probably she could, but she didn't want to ever try to. He was the one who gave her happiness. _He_ was her happiness.

Even if she could never have their own child, she had Kira. And it was enough for her. More than enough.

* * *

With less light around, her hair looked darker, but it was still shining in the darkness.

"There you are." She didn't turn around at the sound of Athrun's voice. Walking up to her side, however, he didn't miss the change in her posture, her body relaxing a little.

He leaned against the railing, imitating her. Cagalli cast a side glance at him.

"What did he say?" she asked in a slightly worried tone.

He knew what she was worried about. The man whom he had been talking with, or rather who had been talking to him, was one of those who hated him for his defections from ZAFT, and his decision to move to Orb.

Even though he didn't show overt hostility to Athrun, perhaps afraid of incurring the Chairwoman's displeasure, the man was quite good at making snide remarks. And he seemed to like making Athrun uncomfortable. Whenever they were present at the same place, he always came to talk to Athrun only to insinuate how shameful his past decisions were.

Cagalli was aware of it. Actually, most of his friends were. They often tried to distract the man or intervene.

Athrun had noticed her watching him and the man with a small frown, and made a quick sign to her with his eyes not to intervene. If she had tried, the man would have made insulting comments—indirectly, of course—about her as well, which he hated.

Although he never liked those remarks, it wasn't difficult for him to keep a polite attitude as long as he was the only one attacked. He was more or less used to it, and he didn't really care about strangers' opinion of him.

It was much harder to hold his tongue, and hold back his anger, when people dear to him were attacked, especially Cagalli. He was glad she had listened to his silent request and left it to him to deal with the man.

But he knew she wasn't happy about it and had expected the question.

When someone asked him this kind of question, he usually would just shrug and answer, "Nothing." He didn't like to trouble other people with his problems, or to talk about them with others.

However, she was one of the few people he felt no hesitation in opening up to. Besides, she was already worried about him and would be more worried if he tried to hide it from her.

"Same old. What I did. What my father would say." His tone was a little bitter. The subject of his father was still somewhat disturbing to him.

She turned her face to him, her eyes intent on his face, examining his expression.

He gave her a reassuring smile, which was genuine. Although he was tired and annoyed, he wasn't upset. As he had told her, nothing the man had said was new to him.

Her eyes softened. With a gentle smile gracing her lips, she reached out to pat his head a few times, as if praising a child who had accomplished a hard task.

He lifted his eyebrows, but didn't complain. Even though he didn't like being treated like a child, he couldn't deny that it felt good to be comforted and praised by her. But he was still planning a payback, probably teasing her for her childishness later.

She drew her hand back and put it on the railing again. His gaze followed the movement and fell on her bare shoulders. He eyed them critically. It wasn't exactly cold, but not warm either.

As he got behind her, he took off his jacket and draped it over her shoulders. His hands lingered on them.

She gave him an amused glance. "Worrywart."

He quirked an eyebrow. "You're welcome."

Uttering a little laugh, she leaned back toward him, her weight resting against his hands, though there was still space between them to make sure they didn't look too intimate if there were any bystanders.

His face softening, he inhaled her familiar scent: mostly citrus, somewhat floral, slightly minty. The mere act of smelling it made him smile.

Getting a glimpse of Yzak's marriage, Athrun had thought he probably would have been like his silver-haired friend if he had married Lacus. And he was glad he hadn't. Not that he had a problem with her. He probably would have been satisfied with his marriage with her, like Yzak must be with his. Dearka or Kira might not understand it, but he could understand Yzak. Not being in love or having a romantic relationship didn't mean you were unhappy. It wasn't essential for everyone. He was sure Yzak was happy with his life.

But he knew for sure that he was much happier with Cagalli now than he would have ever been with Lacus.

Cagalli pulled his jacket closer around her. Engulfed in his warmth and scent, she smiled. It felt like being held by him. Although actually being in his arms was much better, it was still good enough. And it was the best she could have right now.

She placed her right hand over his left one, which was on her shoulder and firmly supporting her, deciding it would pass as a gesture of gratitude and friendship. His hand was warm, and touching it calmed and satisfied her further.

Lacus's disclosure had reminded her how true Kira's words were. Everyone had their own problem no matter how happy they looked from the outside. No relationship was perfect.

And everyone must have times when they were unsure or anxious about their relationship, about the future, like she sometimes was. There were hopes; there were doubts. Nothing in the future was certain. No one knew what would happen tomorrow.

But there was one thing she was certain about.

"Athrun."

"Hmm?" He made a relaxed sound, which made her feel warm and content.

She turned her head to look up at his beautiful emerald eyes tenderly gazing at her. Her heart swelled with emotion.

"I'm glad I'm here—we are here." _T_ _ogether_ _._ Even though they couldn't hold each other right now. Even if they would never be able to be openly together like Kira and Lacus. She was—and would always be—still glad that she was with him. That she had met him and fallen in love with him. That she had chosen him.

Athrun smiled warmly and affectionately. The smile he reserved only for her. His eyes were shining with love, and she knew he had understood the part she had left unsaid.

"Me, too."

* * *

 **The End**

* * *

 **A/N** : Some of you must be disappointed that Miriallia and Dearka still don't have a real relationship. But hey, I already told you I wanted to make their relationship realistic. And this is what I think is realistic.

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In this fic, I wanted to write about different types of relationship, each couple facing a different kind of problem:

Yzak and Shiho are married, having a child, but not in love;

Dearka and Miriallia are in love, but not in a relationship;

Cagalli and Athrun are in love and in a relationship, but can't make it public;

Lacus and Kira are married, in love, but have a disagreement over having children.

I hope you liked it.

Thank you for reading until the end, despite chapters being rather too long. And I'm truly grateful to those who wrote a review. All reviews really made my day.

···

I'd also like to thank those who wrote a review of my previous fics, though I don't know how many of you read this one as well. But your reviews are one of the reasons I could complete this fic. Thank you very, very much.

I especially thank you, GloriousCreation, for writing a review (or reviews) of all my fics and your constructive criticism. By the way, about what you said in your review of the last chapter, I heard the director had said Athrun is the type to wait to sleep together until marriage. So I don't think they did, since it's only several years after GSD. But if they keep hiding their relationship for decades, I suppose they will at some point before marriage.

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 ***posted 05** **/02** **/16***


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